TL;DR:
Young couple with a rushed marriage, new baby, and new business are under heavy stress. Husband has unresolved past trauma and becomes defensive, often misinterpreting normal communication as control or criticism. Arguments have become frequent, intense, and exhausting, with little resolution. Wife feels like she has to walk on eggshells and is questioning whether the relationship is becoming toxic and if divorce might be necessary, even though she doesn’t want it.
I am (26F) my husband (27M), we will call him “Max” we got married a year before we had our first baby, she is now 5 month old (unplanned). Our marriage was rather a rushed one after knowing each other for about a year & a half. None the less, ww married because we loved each other and felt a deep connection.
Max has a quite troubling past, lots of criminal activity and running from different countries. This has caused him, i’d say trauma, resentment, regret and he can’t move past or forgive himself for what he did and it feels like he wants to stay there rather than move forward and try to heal.
Before having our LO, we would argue sometimes about finances, sometimes about chores, sometimes about trust but we would always find a solution and work together to move forward together. Ever since we have had our LO, our arguments are so amplified and so are both our insecurities.
On top of everything, we opened a business and I ended up not returning to work to take care of the LO and focus on building our business. With all of that being said, all of these new things in our life are really catching up to us as far as how our life is drastically changing. Its bringing out terrible sides of eachother that constantly clash. Its makes me feel like I don’t know Max and Max doesn’t know me anymore.
Are argument are once every couple days always growing more intense, always ending in sobbing and we’re to tired by the end of it to even really remember why we were fighting or have any possible solution. It feels like things could get toxic.
I don’t know if any of this is normal what we are going through, the arguments are now about how he cant say anything to me without feeling judged or controlled just because i am stating my thoughts and opinions.
For example: I called Max to ask about the work schedule & I told him it would be nice to communicate to me so I can talk with our clients to ensure transparent communication. He took that as me controlling him and not trusting him to do the job or whatever?? I even get confused why he gets so upset and defensive and ive just understood it to be he just see’s me as another enemy, his own wife. He doesn’t believe me that I can disagree with him because I’m looking out for his best interest and our families. He keeps saying i’m “punishing” him for what he says to me - for example I he told me to open a savings account and I said I already have one and he told me to open a new one so we don’t see what we save? I questioned it and said i’m confused I already have a savings account and you’re the one who told me we should spend whats in our savings account when we run out of money because thats what its their for. - so he told me I was “punishing” him for what he told me earlier about using money in our savings account. Im sure you’re just as confused as me but the only way I understand it is he takes back what he said before but doesnt want to admit it so rather deflect on me and say that I punish him for his words rather than admit he doesn’t agree with his once statement.
I am so exhausted to constantly have to explain myself and make sure I calculate everything I say to him to make sure i’m not saying the wrong thing. Is it wrong for me to think maybe we aren’t right for eachother & maybe its time to look at divorce as an option? WHICH I DONT WANT but I also dont want to be in a relationship where im expected not to say or think and just be obedient to avoid conflict.