Aio - How do I deal with situation with best friend of nearly 25 years.
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For background, im 30 year old male, I've been best mates with him for nearly 25 years, we'll call him dave, we met in Grade 3, our families literally moved continents to the same city and weve stayed connected and are best mates still all these years later. Everyone that knows us individually knows we are these long time mates, we are very tight, blah blah blah
Recently, he did somethin that i didnt really like.
Part 1- A friend from school (grade 3), we'll call him Jerry, was in our city and Dave didnt mention to me that Jerry was here or that he was catching up with him until last minute. We were training together and after us talking for a few hours right before we were about to leave he goes "oh and Jerry is in town" i was like oh wtf really? Thats cool, He goes "yeah bro we're catching up tonight for drinks you should come", my first thought was why wouldnt he tell me when he was planning it? I said i cant ive got plans with my gf to get dinner, he goes "oh fair enough... are you sure? You can just come and rearrange those plans?", I said "na i cant do haha"
I felt like he knew that I couldn't ditch my girl, and his last minute invite isnt really an invite to me, like he probably knew the answer. I totally get that he might have a closer relationship with Jerry than my relationship with Jerry and thats fine, its more the way he went about it.
Part 2 - Anyway, a few days go by and I msged him n said how was it seeing Jerry, and that we should plan something before he leaves. I suggested going to a game because he doesnt live where he can go to those things, and he goes oh yeah good idea, we should do that - turns out we were both busy on the only day and couldn't do it, but i said to him let's try hang out with him before he goes back home because he only had a week or so left.
So, a bit more context for Part 3 lol Dave's little brother (tommy) is very close to me as well, we grew up all playing together and hanging out etc so we normally hang as a group - and not the mention i am tight with his family, his mum calls me her son, I lived with them for 3 years when I first moved to this city.
Part 3 - So now its Friday and my gf is travelling for work (this becomes important later) do im home alone. we're hanging out and he starts saying he needs to go shopping for Tommy's bday, which was today, and said u wanna come shopping with me? I couldn't and said na all good man u go i stuff I need to do. We spoke about it for a bit like what he was gonna get for him etc. I was gonna be like what are you guys doing for Tommy's bday but didnt want to impose myself so I just left it, even though I thought it'd be nice coz I was home alone and I am close with his mum and sisters.
Part 4- so, then that night they have their lil family dinner, completely all good, I want them to do that and have family time even though we are close friends, I want them to not feel obliged to invite me. I saw on instagram that Tommy brought his new gf that he'd been talking to for a few months to meet the fam, first time anyone had met her. I was like oh thats cool id like to meet her but I get that they might want to have that to themselves no worries, and thought it was nice that Tommy's brought her.
So then the next day, im still home alone and I went to wash my car in afternoon, while im at the car wash Tommy randomly called me and had a chat, which isnt completely normal. I was like oh how was like last night, did you bring your girl? How was it? We talked about that for a sec, but he said a few times oh yeah we just wanted to keep it small and not turn it into a big thing ( i think insinuating why I wasnt invited), I was like na cool bro thats fine i totally get that, we spoke about something else for a brief sec, then he goes yeah Jerry came as well so we didnt wanna make it too big. The way he said it sounded like he wanted me to know he was there but kinda felt bad about or something. I was oh true oh okay all good man. We chatted for a bit before we finished the call and that was it.
I felt a bit like why wouldnt my best mate let me know when I was with him on the day of the dinner? And if he's inviting someone from our home town to a birthday dinner, why the fuck wouldn't he be like oh bro youre home alone, you wanna come to dinner for Tommy bday with the family, Jerrys gonna be there so we can catch up? I know his mum would be happy to have me there. The excuse of we didnt wanna make it too big felt like it goes out the window when he puts someone from school before me. In the days and weeks after I avoided dave coz I felt like the friendship we have and portay to everyone wasnt really what was being displayed and it felt a bit like my best mate wasnt thinking about me. I was with another friend soon after and his response was "why the fuck are you not invited anyway, thats weird"
Honestly, it felt super strange and sneaky, first time not really telling me about it till last minute, then second time keeping it quiet. Maybe it just worked out that way, and he didnt know how to man up and just communicate "oh bro I just want you to know that Jerry is gonna be at Tommy's bday but we want to keep it small, is that okay?"
Its a been about a month now and he recently said 'oh bro weve barely seen each other for ages now, we should so something'
I want to talk to him about it and address it, maybe he doesnt know how it looks from my angle, but I want him to know if he wants to be my best friend he needs to treat me like that, not just when it suits. Its hard though because we've never argued so I have no idea how to have this convo. Its been getting me down coz ive been putting it off but I'd appreciate any help from you guys out there!
Peace