I am currently sitting on my couch and I have had an argument with my mom last week over the weekend and we haven't talked since. It wasn't about anything big, I was just getting attacked for random things and I told her that I didn't want to be her punching bag and stopped replying.
I am now thinking about going no contact but it is breaking me apart inside.
Sometimes, like half an hour ago, these memories pop into my head. Where we are sitting on the couch and she cuddles me and we are watching our show, which we always watch together and I was even allowed to stay awake longer to see the ending and we would laugh about it together.
But then I think about the times where she told me that I don't deserve to be loved or that I would die under a bridge because I will never amount to anything and that I am a failure.
And then I ask myself why can't she just love me?
What did I do as a child to deserve this much hatred?
And sometimes I think she might get better and that she might be my mom someday but she disappoints me every damn time.
I want my peace.
But I also want a mom.
Just maybe not mine.
But that hurts and I don't know how to cope with that.