Hi, I’m 19F and my sister is 28F. I’ve had a really big falling out with my 28F sister and at this point I don’t want to talk to her or be around her at all, but my family keeps trying to push me to reconcile. I want to explain everything clearly because I feel guilty sometimes, even though I also feel like my decision makes sense.
For context, there is a 9 year age gap between us. Growing up, my sister had a very different experience with our dad. He was physically abusive toward her when she was younger, and that affected her a lot. I did not grow up with him in the same way, and I have a much better relationship with him. I think that difference has always created some tension between us.
The conflict between us has been building for years. One of the earliest major incidents started when I was around 17, turning 18. When I was 3 years old, my sister was in a bike accident where she lost a tooth. Later in life she got veneers and whitened her teeth. Later, my siblings and I were on the phone joking and making fun of each other, and I made a joke saying her teeth looked so white they could blind people (Because she got her teeth whitened), and we had joked previously together about how white she whitened her teeth. But she became extremely upset and a day or 2 later sent me a long message saying that i talk about her looks in a disrespectful way and there are so many things that she could say about me, but she doesn't. Then I responded, saying that she has literally talked about my looks for years, so what does she mean? For context during covid i was extremely depressed, so she and her friends (also about 10 years older than me) had conversations about how bad a look that was. Eventually, everything escalated into a much bigger argument where she accused me of playing the victim, but eventually we glossed over it and moved on.
Over time, smaller things would turn into very large arguments. She would criticize me for not knowing how to drive even though I was never taught, while she was taught. She would expect me to take public transport for 2 hours to meet up with her when she could just drink an extra 10 minutes. There has also been an imbalance in effort, like times I helped her with things such as financial aid support (I took the metro to her school and stayed in the line for hours to help her get financial aid), but when I needed help for financial aid she would refuse or not reciprocate.
At one point I was diagnosed with depression. I started taking medication for it, and after starting the medication I was actually able to function better and help my mom more with cleaning and maintaining the house. I mention this because there was a period where the house became messy while my mom and I were both struggling mentally, and I take responsibility for my part in that. After treatment started helping me, I became more capable of contributing again.
Recently things escalated again when my sister moved back into the house after being gone for about 4 years. She had a room that I used while she was away. I admit I left it messy while she was gone. When she returned, I agreed to clean it. I asked my mom and my other sister if the room was fine, and they both agreed. Even after I cleaned it, she said she could not forgive me yet because I did not clean it to her standards and began bringing up issues from years ago, including things that happened when I was 15. She started throwing random things in my room; for instance, everything I own in the bathroom she threw in my room (including the bathroom mats, my shampoo, etc.).
Then when I visited home (btw, I live on campus), my family forced a conversation between us two. She has also repeatedly called me selfish and has said that the whole family sees me that way. During the argument, she was yelling at the top of her lungs that I'm a narcissist. She has also said things in front of the family that feel humiliating and escalated, rather than focusing on solutions.
One example was a mattress situation. She described it in a very degrading way to the family, saying it smelled like someone who had not showered for years and making it very personal. Instead of focusing on solutions, like the fact that we have 2 extra mattresses in our garage.
We also tried to have a family conversation about cleaning the house, since it had gotten messy during a difficult period for me and my mom. I tried to focus on compromise and said I could not engage if I was being spoken to disrespectfully. She responded by saying there should be no compromise and that I should just do what she says. When I pushed back, she accused me of playing the victim, gaslighting her, narcissism, and pretty much everything bad i was told I was.
At one point she also threatened to throw away my belongings (which was just one coat) if I did not come get them immediately. After that, I told her to stop contacting me.
Another thing that came up was her saying she feels like people are trying to make her seem abusive, even though no one explicitly said that. She insisted she has never put her hands on me, but my concern has never been physical abuse. It is more about how she speaks to me, how she escalates conflicts, and how she uses insults and labels during arguments.
At this point, I feel anxious even being around her. For instance, my mom accidentally spilled rice, and she sent me a paragraph about how I leave the house a mess. or whatever when it wasn't even me that did that. Every interaction escalates and nothing ever gets resolved. It just turns into more arguments and more resentment. I 100% admit my wrongs and mistakes; I did not clean during my time in the house, and yes, my mom and I were continuously reinforcing each other's negative habits, but once I started going to therapy and working on myself and taking medication, I started taking initiative in cleaning the house and helping my mom. Also, I LIVE ON CAMPUS, so I do what I can when I visit home.
I have told my family that I do not want to talk to her or be in the same space as her. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around her, and she's just ready to yell at me about something. However, my family keeps pushing me to come home and “work it out.” I understand they want the family to be together, but it feels like they are trying to force a resolution without addressing the actual pattern of how I am being treated.
I do feel guilty sometimes because I know this is hard for my family and they want unity, but I also do not feel like I can ignore being yelled at, called names, and constantly having old issues brought up against me.
So I am wondering if I am wrong for not wanting any contact or proximity with her right now, how other people deal with guilt around family separation, and whether it is reasonable to take this kind of space even if it affects family dynamics. Also, I am 100% open to any constructive criticism; I know I 100% made mistakes, and I am trying to do better as a person. Also my bad if this story makes no sense; it also gives me a headache.