TW/GORE SA CSA i need support pls 😭
ive been finding myself looking up gore or sexual assault videos or photos or whatever and i cant figure out why i do. (i am a victim of csa but we not Talking abt that rn.) thats not something a moral person does. i don’t enjoy these videos— its like i have a morbid curiosity, but if im LOOKING and SEARCHING for videos(usually just photos but a video here and there) then im clearly not as morally just as i thought i was. i try to look at this more neutrally(?): where its like “ok well i don’t WANT to look at this stuff” but then i start to question if i actually do. i cant tell what im telling myself vs what is true. does this make any sense
i feel the same way when i talk to my mom about my depression and she says that i find comfort in my depression. ever since then ive been lowkey fucked up bc i feel like i have no idea if i want to be better or not. like i genuinely just don’t kjow if i want to see gore and see people suffering and if i want to be depressed still i just don’t know and its so exhausting to think im just lying to everyone and myself
i keep hoping this is a phase but what if it isnt, bro. i deadass CANNNTTTT do this 😭
i also cant tell if my sympathy is fake. do i actually feel bad for these people or do i want to? i cant tell what i think anymore and my mom thinks its bc of the medication im on but im scared to get off of it because what if it all gets worse??????
im also 16 so maybe hormones idk. shorted down this post