I, 28M just kicked out my girlfriend (29F) of like 3 years for informing me she has been texting an ex behind my back
The specific question I want answered is am I making a huge mistake and over reacting, or am I making the proper choice. I know none of yall know me or her, but i need some in site here.
Some background to start with: we were together for roughly three years and recently (call it 4 months) moved across the country from a semi-rural area to an extremely high cost of living beachside area for a job of mine.
Recently she expressed an interest in seeking out another girl for her to do sexual stuff with. Like many guys, shit was hot to me so I said yes. My rules were as followed: stay on the girls only side of Tinders (implying no dudes) and don’t do it in my house (I’d just rather not be involved, bad previous relationship experiences and such)
So, she has a tinder to meet girls on, but has yet to meet any girls. Yesterday she shows me the profile of a random dude she matched with, saying something about the profile was funny (like making fun of the guy). I was very hurt, she had broken one of my two rules for the Tinder thing she was doing. We have an argument that lasted about an hour or an hour and a half, but we move on from it fairly quickly.
To put my mind at ease, she even offered me to look through her entire phone to prove she wasn’t talking to anyone. I am not particularly tech savvy, but I was under the impression i was better at it then her, so I looked through all social media that I could think of her having (even deleted messages and hidden messages and shit, i was proud of my thoroughness) and was satisfied with the lack of anything i had found.
I was still hurt, but we had alot of time together and maybe I could have been more explicit in my rule making in regard to the tinder thing. Fair enough. I expressed that, and said something along the lines of “at least you didn’t talk to the guy, because if I found out you had, your ass would be out on the streets tonight”.
After this argument and still fresh reconciliation, we decide to take her dog to a local dog bar to get out of the house and get some fresh air. At the dog park, we are joking and being our normal selves. I get us some beers and we sit down at one of the tables and she tells me there is something else I should probably know. She has been on and off texting her ex behind my back over the course of this whole relationship. She tells me she feels really bad and ended it a couple weeks ago. She tells me he sent risqué messages, but she never responded to them and she will show me the messages if i want to see them.
Hearing this, i was pretty dumbfounded. She had literally never struck me as the type for disloyalty. Like, that has literally been the my biggest attraction to her was the fact that she had been so seemingly loyal. I take the news in stride, being that we are in a very public place (just throwing it out there, but I dont raise my voice with her and I certainly have never raised a hand to her) I finish my beer and drive us home.
As soon as we get home, I just walk right back out of the house and walk like 4 miles. I took that time to think and try not to think if that makes sense. Just walk. I finally get back home and she has the texts all pulled up waiting for me. It was Google Hangouts or some shits ive never heard of, but there was alot of it. I start scrolling and scrolling….and scrolling. Theres alot. Like, alot alot. Like thousands of messages. Pics of him in the shower. Discussing her being a stripper and him saying that he would pay for her (shes not a stripper btw). There was texts about her being disappointed that the shower at his house isn’t hot enough.
They had been texting on and off, yeah. But when it was on, it was really on. Literally the second I leave for work, her whole work day, her whole drive home she spends talking to him. Texting every minute.
Lets also through this on the pile. He is a military cyber security dude and there are texts about him being about to make it so I would never find out about there chatting. Dudes chats say he is married and in the Air Force and also that he enjoys taking it up the ass from other dudes. The messages are said they originally broke up because he was mean to her because she wouldn’t let him do anal.
Long, long story that includes alot of tears and venomous words from me cut short, i told her to get all of her stuff and get out of my house. I gave her $2500 ( half of what i have in my rainy day fund) and drove her to an air bnb by her work. She has no car, a temp job, and doesn’t make enough money to able to afford a decent standard of living in this area. The air bnb is booked for two weeks, and she is pleading with me to make this only a temporary break, some room to heal.
Am I fucking up? I still love her. Im not gonna say I dont. She keeps saying that she wants to earn back my trust, but she watched me look through her phone. She watched me not find her messages. She lied to my face about not texting other dudes. And its not like it was just friends texts, it was pretty bad shit, which was even acknowledged multiple times in the messages themselves. I have a few screen shots ill see if I can post.
I want to be able to trust her. I want to so fucking badly. I want to give her grace because she could have kept it to herself and she didnt. She fessed up. But only after lying to my face. I want to trust her, but how the fuck can i trust that that greasy air force fuck doesnt have some fake calculator app on her phone that they message through. I am not the ‘look through your phone’ guy. She says she will get rid of her smartphone, but how cant I trust my xbox or my ps5 or even my fucking smart appliances aren’t gonna be used against me. I feel paranoid and heartbroken and confused. In my heart of hearts, I truly trusted her. Like above all else, i trusted her