Hey everyone. I’m undiagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have ADHD, social anxiety, or something similar. I’m not very educated about psychology, but I’ve struggled my whole life and recently started realizing maybe this isn’t “normal.”
As a kid, my family made fun of me because they thought I was weird. I physically could not talk to people normally. Even simple things like a flight attendant asking what food I wanted would make my body freeze and my voice go super quiet. If my mom made me ask hotel staff for towels or say thank you, I’d panic so hard over it and embarrass myself. That feeling stayed my entire childhood.
Now that I’m older, I force myself to act confident, so technically I CAN talk to people now, but deep down the anxiety is still there. I skipped a lot of school in high school and even now in college because of anxiety, but nobody knows because I hide it really well. People just think I’m nonchalant or emotionally unavailable.
I have a lot of friends, but one-on-one hangouts make me feel on edge the entire time, especially dates. There are only a few people I genuinely feel comfortable with. Even with my siblings I get anxious one-on-one sometimes. Earlier I apologized to my high school best friend because when we got to college I completely avoided her. Honestly, I became avoidant toward EVERYONE. Most of my close friendships only happened because they basically “courted” me into opening up first.
Every time I arrive at school and get near the drop-off area, my heart starts racing. Recently in class my legs were shaking uncontrollably for almost an hour and I felt trapped/on edge the whole time. This happens to me a lot but nobody notices because I hide it well. I’m also hyper-aware of everything constantly and my brain never shuts off. Sometimes I wish I could just take meds and finally feel calm and normal.
One thing though: I genuinely LOVE being alone. I can stay in my room for a week without seeing anyone and be completely happy.
Another thing I noticed is how weirdly my emotions work. I can go through heartbreaks and genuinely bad things without crashing out. But if my mom forgets to close my bedroom door, I get EXTREMELY irritated and angry. Or if she asks me a simple question that normally shouldn’t make someone mad, my brain instantly overheats and I feel overwhelmed.
And this is the part that confuses me the most: the number one thing I want in life right now is literally to fall in love. I’ve been single for 3 years, and I still have like 3 guys from my past chasing me. One has been chasing me for 2 years, another for 3 years. There were more too, but obviously some stopped because they respected themselves lol. But whenever a guy is actually in front of me and likes me, I feel emotionally disconnected or uncomfortable. Meanwhile I go INSANE over people I don’t even have anything romantic with. My brain gets obsessed with crushes and fantasy situations instead.
Does this sound relatable to ADHD/social anxiety/avoidant attachment or something else? I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me.