I was abused as a child and it led to me committing major sins, how harsh will my punishment be?
(SEXUAL ASSAULT & GROOMING — please do not read if you’re sensitive to said topics.)
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
This may be too much, I don’t usually like sharing any information about my journey with Islam as I feel that it is a relationship between me and Allah, only. However, I have waited for years, and I fear this is going to affect the way I view myself as a Muslim.
I was groomed and sexually assaulted as a child for years on end.
This resulted in me learning about sex and all that comes with it at an earlier age than I wanted, and also becoming hyper sexual. I am good at covering it and controlling myself around the opposite gender; I don’t have friends of the opposite gender, I don’t engage in explicit conversations (even in a joking manner), I dress modestly, and I have never mentioned my assault story to anyone nor the effects of it.
I don’t control myself because I think I’m “vulnerable” or *just* because Allah said so; it’s because I’m genuinely not interested in speaking or interacting with them (which I believe is associated with the assault). What I mean by “becoming hyper sexual” is masturbation…
AstaghfurAllah, even speaking about this feels wrong, but I need help.
My mind races every time I relapse, “I need to make ghusl. I need to pray. I need to repent.”
I have always felt guilty and disgusted by sexual stuff, and I’ve always believed that my relationship with God is very special, so, obviously, struggling with an issue like this affects my mental health in a very serious way.
I am aware of the different types of zina, and that masturbation is a major sin. I’m aware and educated on the consequences of zina, to the best of my current abilities.
I’m also very interested in psychology, and when I was seeking for answers as to why I’m like this, I learned that hyper sexuality is a very common trauma response — especially for CSA victims. Survivors may use sexual behaviour to cope in many ways; regaining control over their body, emotional numbing, or as a survival mechanism.
(I’m not excusing my actions, this is research based explanation)
My problem now isn’t that I don’t understand why I’m like this or what led to this. My problem is that I’m in need of some reassurance that I will not lose myself and my bond with God. I have thought about speaking to my local sheikh about this, but that would mean I’d have to explain the context behind my situation, and I physically cannot bring myself to do so. I need to know whether or not I will be punished the same way a person who willingly engages in sexual behaviour, out of desire, will be. I know Allah is the Most Forgiving, All Knowing. Surely, Allah understands the background of my actions, and I trust that He’s well aware that I am trying to be better and fight my nafs.
I carry this guilt with me every day and it’s heavy on my heart. I need reliable information to ease my mind.
Will I be punished the same way a person who likes and engages in sexual behaviour, and pays no mind to the consequences, will be punished?
جزاكم الله خير