My fiancé (43M) and I (35F) have been together almost 5 years. We got engaged around year 2, and I got pregnant around year 3. We still haven’t gotten married. We now have a son who is a year and a half old.
A major issue in our relationship has been his kink/fantasy involving me flirting with and sleeping with other men while he was into it. At first I went along with parts of it, but over time it became too much for me. During my pregnancy, I told him clearly that I needed to pump the brakes on all of it. He said he understood, but in reality he kept bringing it up and pushing for it.
The most pivotal moment for me happened near the end of my pregnancy. He wanted me to sleep with someone, and I did, even though I really did not want to. He knew I didn’t want to, but I felt pressured and went through with it anyway. I deeply regret it, and honestly I don’t think our relationship has been the same since.
Right after I had our baby, he switched jobs and we moved households within the same week. He poured everything into work during that time, and I felt like I didn’t have a real partner while caring for a newborn. A lot of resentment built from that period.
Now we’re a year and a half into parenting, and while we can get along, I feel emotionally shut down toward him. I’m cold. Sometimes it feels like my body doesn’t even want to be near his body. I don’t like feeling that way, but it feels real.
We’ve done counseling, and it helped somewhat. We communicate fairly often. But underneath it all, I’ve never consistently felt like a priority to him, and I think that has damaged how I respond to him now.
Another layer is that he used to be much more flirty and affectionate. In my view, that dropped off once we stopped participating in his kink. It makes me wonder if when things aren’t “his way,” he withdraws. But I also know having a baby changes intimacy and dynamics naturally, so I’m trying to be fair.
I don’t want to just bash him. I want to know if this relationship can be repaired and what steps actually help when resentment has built this much. How do two people get back to liking each other, being close again, and functioning as a team after years of hurt?
Has anyone come back from something like this?