Boyfriend said I mafan
Recently my bf (30M) and I (29F) had a conversation and I couldn't believe what I heard from him.
For context, me & bf started dating Apr'24. Throughout the relationship, I can say my emotion is like a roller coaster.
Growing up, I always do things on my own and spend most of my time working. I barely have anyone to talk about my day or how I feel. Crying is my way of relief every time I'm stressed with my work or routine. Once I feel better, I will continue my daily routine & work as usual. It's also because I don't feel safe crying in front of anyone until I meet him.
I love him, still love him till today and I feel like it's just right for me to be myself when I'm with him. I also start to rely a lot on him when we are together (in terms of deciding food to eat & where we want want to go). Also normal I guess me to cry in front of him but I guess I cried too much to a point he called me for having low EQ and prefer if his partner doesn't cry too much,after 2-3 months of dating.
I know I'm no longer the same person with him after that. It's just something ping inside me and I no longer cry nor being depending on him that much. Most of the time I will just reply okay and whatever to him. He did realised about it I guess, as he said I no longer initiate sex for the past few months & less crying. He also said I'm getting more serious and no longer being a clingy gf.
Yesterday, he was having his own issue and called me mafan & admitted he was disappointed with me. At first, I thought I did something wrong but turns out he was having his own issue regarding his financial situation.
I do admit I have an expectation when it comes to special days (valentine, birthday etc) but I'm lowering down my expectations bcs I do understand his financial situation as well. I do pay for our meal too alternately, cook for him & I literally used my own money to buy all the ingredients. My expectations are not for him to buy me a luxurious gift or fine dining. Food which cost us RM20-25/person is good enough for me. Most of the time also we spend time at his place watching movie or playing games. We barely go out and have fun doing all sorts of activities.
Mind you, most of the time we either go to mamak, hawker food or food court. We hardly go to cafes or have meals more than RM20/person. I hardly asked him to bring me expensive food or complaint for going to such places bcs I prefer that too. Aside from that, I also never ask him to buy me anything. Most of the time he is the one who said will buy me stuff & asked me to choose. I always asked for his budget first before I chose and chose things within his budget. But when I choose, he doesn't even buy for me and will say he has no money now. He is the one who asked me to choose but why ask me to choose in the first place if don't plan to buy ?
What makes me feel upset during our conversation yesterday was, he said he feels bad & frustrated for not being able to treat me well but then he kinda blamed me for having such expectations on having expensive meals in which makes him feel that way & feeling upset.
For context, he is working as a Software Developer at a SME company with more than 7 years experience. Those in IT will know his average salary. I'm in Marketing at an MNC company (6yr experience) with quite a good salary.
Tbh, I dunno how or what to feel anymore as this is not the first time he said things that hurt me.
I'm not sure what he expected from me every time he's having an issue and said such things.
I guess love really makes people blind and stupid.