Hello ladies,
Looking for your hard won wisdom and perspective on a challenging mother-daughter situation.
I am a 58 yo F. I married and had my first child (daughter) at 25, my second (son) at 2. I was separated by 33 and had sole custody by 34. Ex-spouse went MIA; no child support.
Prior to divorce, I went back to school and pivoted from SAHM to professional. This allowed for a 20-year career that supported our 3-person family. I never dated much, and definitely didn’t remarry.
FWIW: I would describe myself as an independent GenX personality/ avoidant type (child of two high-conflict divorces and forced-blended families, one alcoholic & physically abusive custodial parent).
Back to my daughter, now 32. She was born with a strong, independent personality. She has had a cluster of lifelong medical issues that are invisible to others but life-defining for her and those close to her.
As an adult, her strong will has transformed into a push/ pull dynamic with close family (sibling, grandparents, and now me) that manifests as unpredictable, rigid boundaries and resentments. She is an uncompromising perfectionist, and has immense financial anxiety, despite a promising career and a well-earning romantic partner.
I feel responsible for all of it. Dad bailed early, and as a result I modeled self-sufficient-at-all-costs behavior that was driven largely by necessity, but didn’t leave space for vulnerability. I had a lot of anxiety as I strove for independent financial stability.
Her approach to life, from the outside, looks a lot like *fear-driven survival* despite the promise of her circumstances. I shared my thoughts recently (with love and kindness), and encouraged her to consider supportive opportunities that could help pivot towards more enjoyment (eg. return to school, trust her partner to share her burden).
Now she won’t speak to me. And while I am now the final family member to be iced out, it’s devastating for me. I respect that she’s an adult with agency and have backed away, but have no idea what to do now.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I appreciate your experience, wisdom and intuition.