Hi everyone, I am 31(F) in a relationship with 34(M). This is going to be complex - please help!
As a teenager/young adult, I literally never had crushes. At the most I remember may be finding 3 or 4 men from my 20s attractive. Around age 29 I realised I was also attracted to women, and I also realised that I have some arousal when I see really hot/pretty women which is perhaps a bit more than what I feel when I see a really hot man. But again, nothing close to what I have heard friends describe as their obsessive crushes. I would may be appreciate the beauty/hotness in the moment and forget about it by evening.
I was in some very short relationships through my 20s and was close minded about sex because of some traumatic harassment experiences as a child and also because my mom told me no sex before marriage. So even though I tried to have sex with two partners, and they could not penetrate, I ultimately didnt think much of it because I wasn't sure I actually wanted to have sex and plus the relationships ended quickly for other reasons.
Fast forward to now. My bf and I love each other and I really want to work on this relationship. He has a high-ish libido whereas I feel almost no desire. Plus we discovered early on when he could not penetrate that I might have vaginismus. I got lots of tests and medical help and turned out it was not vaginismus but rather adenomyosis, which I am taking medication for. 4 months ago he could penetrate for the first time but only from a certain angle in missionary. I cannot do any other position without huge pain.
I love him, and I want to have more sex, but I dont understand why I dont myself naturally feel aroused + how to deal with the pain which perhaps has also resulted in a negative association with sex.
It is really affecting our relationship. I recently brought up the topic of an engagement in the future and he said that he was not ready to commit because our sexual relationship is not what he wants but he loves me. I felt hurt and down because this is an issue which is not really in my hands. But I do want to try and be more sexually active. What can I do?