Hi,
I need to get this off my chest and hear some outside perspectives. I’m in a really dark place right now. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my mum, I don’t think I’d still be here.
I’m 33, female. Back in December, I finally left my ex after three years of mental abuse that eventually became physical. That was where I drew the line. I had to leave my apartment for my own safety, the place I’d lived in for five years, and ended up moving in with my mum. I basically became homeless overnight, and he kept the place.
I had some money saved for a van, but I spent it to travel to Asia to be with my best friend. At the time, I felt like I needed that for my mental health. I even went on my birthday. But when I landed, war broke out and I got stuck there for a month. The whole trip ended up revolving around her. she said, “you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for for me,” I made the choice.
I regret going. I came back feeling emptier than before, no relief, just more stress and trauma. I ended the friendship after that. Even things like the motorcycle I was using blew up because basic maintenance hadn’t been done. ( she said she done had not done ) a job I could have done btw. I trusted her duh a friend. It just felt like constant let downs. I didn’t even get a birthday gift, a celebration nothing. It hurt more than I expected.
Now I feel like I’ve completely lost the desire to connect with people. I’m 33 and just… exhausted. I’ve been to 26 countries, I have so many stories, but no one to share them with. I’m back living with my mum, with no clear future, and I don’t even know what I want anymore.
I feel this strange mix of peace and loneliness at the same time. Every friendship I’ve tried to build seems to turn toxic, or people twist things for their own benefit or validation. It feels impossible to find genuinely healthy people. Part of me thinks I’m better off protecting myself by having no friends or partner at all.
But at the same time, I know loneliness is brutal. It eats away at you. I’ve stopped trying, it just feels natural now after so many cycles of disappointment, being ostracised, and excluded. I feel like the retarded kid no one wants to talk to. I’ve never felt like an important person in anyone’s life. It’s always like I get the worst end of the deal. If I don’t show up, I’m the bad one, but no one ever really shows up for me.
I’ve even tried connecting with people in autism and ADHD spaces, but a lot of the time it feels the same, people wanting to be heard but not listening. Therapy hasn’t stopped people from hurting me; it’s just helped me understand why they do it. I’ve been told not to care so much… and now I don’t. But that’s not helping either.
I’ve started smoking again after 14 years. I’m overeating again. I just don’t care about my health the way I used to. I’m tired. I’m really tired of all of this. Sometimes I don’t even want to be here anymore. I trying so hard not be the victim in this, but how can I not be if it outside trauma, Im not a robot. Like over and over and over I'm bombarded with it every person I let close me. Im just trying be a nice to everyone I know how dark and evil the world is. I feel like a baby deer lost in the woods now. Like I have hid away from people. I feel no one cares about me, I try so hard to grip on with hope.
I thought we were meant to connect in this life, but I don’t know anymore.