Tldr; always wanted a child but reconsidering now because of mental health issues. Biological clock is ticking and I can’t make a decision.
I’m 29 with egg count of a 40 year old. After 2 miscarriages in last 6 months and 3 beautiful years of with the most supportive husband, I am at a position where I’m considering not having a child.
I never judged the DINK couples but I always wanted to have a child. We just waited until we were more financially stable and physically fitter. We are now at satisfactory positions in our careers.
I did get pregnant twice. Both times were unplanned but both times we welcomed the idea. Then the unthinkable happened. During the second time, I miscarried in my 10th week, which was just over a month ago. That episode and other recent events have pushed me into depression and anxiety. I’m seeking help and taking medication and getting better. This is my second time experiencing both but it is much severe this time.
Initially, I did not want to try for another year or so. But after a small fertility test, my egg count result showed that my biological clock is ticking faster than I anticipated. So we both wanted to try as soon as my mental health gets better.
But lately I’m having second thoughts about having a child at all. I have only 3 reasons to turn to the other side - I don’t think I can go through another pregnancy loss again, I don’t want to bring a new life to this doomed world, and lastly I don’t think I’ll be a good mom because I’m a selfish person and I actually like putting myself first. I sometimes do things which hurt my husband not because I intentionally want to hurt him but just because I want to do it. I feel guilty about being selfish and the guilt eats me. I don’t think I can live being a selfish mom.