u/Delicious_Alarm1819

I’m a 34 y.o woman and I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger lately that I don’t like in myself. I feel like I’m starting to hold a grudge, and I don’t want that—but I also can’t seem to move on from what happened.

I still live with my family (parents, sister, and her kids), so this isn’t something I can distance myself from.

The main issue is with my niece (18 now). We used to be very close, but over the last ~5 years she started distancing herself, and now she barely speaks to me.

Recently we had an argument and she said very harsh things (called me useless because I don’t have a formal job, said I interfered too much, that I lied and tried to make her hate her mom). I tried to stay calm but ended up crying, and that just made her more aggressive. It felt like the moment I showed emotion, she dismissed me completely.

The background is complicated. When she was very young, the environment at home was unstable mainly because my sister had bursts of anger directed specifically at her (yelling, insults, even some physical roughness). When my parents tried to intervene, my sister would threaten to leave with her, which made things feel out of control.

Because of that, I bonded with my niece in a way that wasn’t ideal. I was around 17 and ended up taking more of a “substitute mother” role. We were very close, and I felt responsible for her.

Later, when my sister had her other two children, she became patient and loving with them—the complete opposite. That difference made me very angry, and I know I didn’t hide it well. I even spoke negatively about my sister in front of my niece at times, which I now regret.

I think that’s part of why my niece believes I tried to manipulate her perception of her mom. But my intention was never that—I just wanted my sister to treat her equally and not make her feel rejected.

Now I feel like everything has flipped. My niece avoids me, and when she’s cold or hostile, it affects me deeply. My mood drops instantly, and sometimes I feel like crying out of nowhere. I’ve tried to hide it, but it’s getting harder.

I don’t know if avoiding these conversations is the right thing, or if I should try to fix things—but I also don’t want to keep breaking down emotionally and making things worse.

How do you stay calm in conversations like this, when you’re deeply hurt and your emotions get used against you?

And how do you deal with resentment when part of you feels justified, but another part of you doesn’t like what it’s turning you into?

Ok, this is a long one and maybe not your traditional family problems. So I appreciate you reading me.

I'm a 34 y.o woman, and I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger lately that I don’t like in myself. It feels like I’m starting to hold a grudge, and that’s not who I want to be. but at the same time, I can’t seem to just move on from it either.

Due to my economical situation, I still live in the same household with my family (parents, sister and her children), so this isn’t something in the past that I can fully step away from.

For context, when my niece (my sister’s first daughter) was a baby/toddler, the environment at home was very unstable, mainly because of my sister’s bursts of anger directed specifically at her. It wasn’t general stress, but very focused. I remember a lot of tension, yelling, harsh insults, and slight physical aggressions (she would pull her arm/hair, leave her ears red and swallowing, pushes).

Whenever my parents tried to step in or correct my sister, she would shut it down by saying she would just leave the house with her daughter. That was worrying to us. It felt like we had no real way to protect my niece without risking losing sight of her completely.

Because of that rejection my sister had toward her, I ended up bonding with my niece in a way that probably wasn’t ideal. I was around 17 at the time, and I took on a role that felt closer to a substitute mother than an aunt. We became very close, and I felt responsible for her emotionally in ways that, looking back, were probably too heavy for both of us.

Then, when my sister had her other two children, something changed. She became patient, attentive, and loving with them (the complete opposite of how she had been with her first daughter). Watching that difference was really hard for me. I remember feeling angry, and I couldn’t fully hide it. I recognize I had described my sister as annoying and unbearable in front of her.

Looking back, I regret how some of my reactions might have come across. I think that’s part of why my niece now believes I was trying to “fill her head” with negative ideas about her mom. But that was far from my intention. What I wanted (and I still want) was for my sister to treat her the same she did with her siblings. I hated how she made her feel an outcast. How she would blame it all on "she's too dramatic" or "I treated her like that because she misbehaved" (I'm not saying that she was the perfect child, but my sister always called her "bad/evil" from before she could even walk, and that never felt right).

Over the last 5 years or so, my relationship with my niece started to fall apart. She began avoiding me, spending more time with her mom (which at first I thought was a positive thing) but it gradually turned into her barely speaking to me at all.

Now my niece is 18, and recently all of this came up again. We got into an argument, and she said some very harsh things, like that I’m useless because I don’t have a formal job, that I interfered too much, that I was a liar and that I tried to make her hate her mom (implying I manipulated her).

I tried to stay calm, but I ended up crying. And that only made things worse, she became even more aggressive after. It felt like the moment I showed emotion, it gave her a reason to dismiss me or treat me as less.

I’ve tried to hide how much this affects me, but the rejection I feel from her now really weighs on me. Partly because I care deeply for her, even when there's a lot about her life she refuses to share with me. It’s hard to describe exactly, but it’s like my mood shifts immediately when she’s cold or bitter toward me. Sometimes I feel like crying out of nowhere, and I don’t fully understand how to manage that. I don’t know if avoiding these conversations is the right thing to do, or if that just makes everything worse in the long run.

That’s part of why I’m posting this. I don’t want to keep reacting like this. I don’t want to cry in the middle of serious conversations, especially when it just gets used against me. And I don’t want to keep carrying this resentment either.

How do you detach enough from your emotions to have a calm, normal conversation in situations like this? Not in a cold way, but in a way where you don’t feel overwhelmed or lose control?

And if anyone has been in a situation where you feel both justified in your anger but also uncomfortable with what it’s turning you into, I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective.

Thank you