My parents’ 30-year-old cold war is taking impacting my kids milestones. Am I being controlling?
I (30s) am struggling to navigate a family dynamic that feels like a cold war. My parents, A and B had a brief relationship decades ago and never married. A has been married to someone else for 30 years.
For my entire life, I have been the shuttle between them. The current battleground is my three children’s (all under 10) milestones.
The Pick-and-Choose Strategy: Parent A has stated they will attend public events where they can't be excluded, school plays, graduations, and weddings. However, they refuse to attend any birthday parties I host because B will be there. A’s excuse is that my 1st birthday party (30+ years ago) was "awkward," and they refuse to do it again.
The "Sneaky" Tactics: For years, A refused to come to my kids' actual parties and started organizing side parties. I found out because extended family members would mention, "Oh, we were invited by A to celebrate the grandkid's birthday." A would then invite me and the kids over for a dinner that was actually the replacement party they controlled.
The Contradictions:
- The Funeral Hug: At A’s father’s funeral, A hugged B unprompted. They can clearly be civil and even affectionate when the setting demands it.
- The Living Room Chat: I’ve seen them stand in B’s living room and chat for 20 minutes during a grandkid drop-off.
- The "Vague Secrets": A claims B did things in the past that would "taint my view" of B, but refuses to say what because they don't want to harm my relationship with B. I’ve said I don't care about 30-year-old drama, but A uses it as a shield to stay away from parties.
The Emotional Toll on Me: I think of my own high school graduation. A and their family stood in one group; B and their family stood in another. I spent the entire after celebration event stressed out, "picking" who to stand near and how to split my time so nobody felt slighted. It was exhausting and tainted my achievement.
There has been one event for my child that A came too and Bs family attended and it was very reminiscent of my graduation. A’s side tells me I’m "lucky to have two of everything," but all I feel is the weight of doubling the emotional labor. It’s so stressful that I’ve decided not to have a wedding because I cannot handle the anxiety of managing their proximity for one day.
The Decision: I’m done. I want to tell A that if they aren't willing to be family at a birthday party, they don't get to be audience members at school events. I’m tired of them picking the easy public events while boycotting the ones I actually host.