u/Deiaroperi5566 — reddlx

Currently sitting in front of a stack of paper scholarships. I need to make several emails to teachers asking about recommendation letters that I need by friday, and I cannot get myself to even think about doing them.

I know its executive dysfunction... But i'm at a loss for what to even do. I have literally tried everything, am on meds, did body doubling, mother keeps saying she's trying to get me into therapy but puts it off every time.Nothing is working...

It doesn't help I have had the shittest last 3 weeks. (Got my wisdom teeth taken out over spring break and had to recover from that, was struggling to get back into a routine for school, finals are in a week, and currently have likely a sinus infection but I can't even rest as I need to do scholarships I keep putting off because I physically cannot make myself do them even with others helping me.)

I don't even want to go to college. I am literally only going because I feel like I have to and wanted to go in the past and that it'd be a waste if I didn't. Family keeps telling me I don't have to go if I don't want to... But what else even can I do? I can't even work... Can barely function as it is, one meltdown and I'd be fired on the spot. Already terrified i'm not going to even be able to do or even get the job I'd be going to school for...

I keep being told that its okay to rely on outside help, that sometimes you need help from others. But legitimately all my support systems don't know how to help me. My mother gets so upset about not being able to do anything to help me that I get screamed at only for her to come back 10 minutes later like nothing ever happened.

Not even mentioning the fact that I likely have OCD (about to finally get screened for it. I have every single symptom) and am in near constant anxiety. The only thing I can do to keep myself from panicking is playing and watching things about my comfort games. Which causes me to avoid doing other things.

I feel helpless. I am terrifed that even if I get in therapy its going to do nothing. I don't know what I am going to do if thats the case. Family keeps thinking that I think that I don't want to do better but I do. I just don't know how to make myself.

I don't know. I feel like shit. This probably isn't even readable. Sorry.