Feel free to ignore my rambling. I just want to air my thoughts out and get them out of my system but I have lost the system I once had.
I think at this point I'm stuck between two walls. One of those walls feeling like I would feel everything and also nothing while the other I get to have what feels like stability but truthfully will likely just feel like an emptiness. I'll still crave I'll still feel like I need someone there to talk to constantly but I wouldn't have to feel like I'm driving myself insane.
I broke things off with a man I thought I'd spend forever with after finding porn on a hidden account on his laptop. There were notifications popping up for the account under a fake name and honestly now I'm just stuck with this feeling of I don't trust anyone but I think that's okay? I'm not really sure. I started to really feel stable without meds or anything. I was on bupropion, zoloft, and aripiprazole and he convinced me to stop taking them and to get off birth control and I was dumb enough to do it. God what the fuck is wrong with me. But what's done is done.
I'm now stuck in a lease with him that I am trying to leave in several months but with that, I'm torn. I started talking to people again in a non flirty way and something happened and now I'm talking to someone. He's great but maybe I'm clouded by the fact of newness or the idea that he will be perfect. I don't know. I do know that he responds quickly, answers all my questions, and is quick to obsess. It's love bombing and I'm not shocked but do I really care? I can feel something after months of emptiness and feeling unwanted.
I could easily chase this feeling but it feels wrong to do because my brain is convinced it always ends the same but that isn't the case... is it? If I talk to this person, things could go well but I know I'd spiral and I'd feel like everything is a lie because good things don't happen to me. I don't know if I care though.... I'd have someone who makes me feel like I'm cared about for a short time and maybe that's all I need.