u/Defiant-Result944

I was on a self defense course today, Krav Maga. It was cool and I am considering joining the course.

But, there were some tips scientists etc come up that they course leader shared with us:

- call your family if something is off

- share your location with your family or best friend

- if you feel unsafe in a taxi call your family/friends

- if you're going through a dark passage put your family in speaker

- trust your guts - if it says it's dangerous, go away

And so on.

Questions in my head rised:

1. I have no contact with my family due to understandable reason

2. I have no best friends or friends I can just call with stuff like that because growing up with my family taught me to never trust anyone, be always alone, self sufficient

3. Making new friends being an adult is difficult

4. If I had contact with my family or lives in the same city, calling them would only make it worse. My mum would call me a whore (as she did many times before), my dad would stay silent pretending he didn't see anything...

5. Trusting guts... All my childhood and life with my family they did all to demage that. I stopped trusting my guts. Being in unsafe situations, with unsafe people, was familiar...

The tips are good but not made for people who grew up with a BPD parent... And people like me, us, who are used to unsafe behavior usually find their way to be in that unsafe environment...

In Sweden it's a "religion" to ask about references - they want phone numbers and emails to bosses and colleagues. Then they choose who to contact.

How the reference process looks like in Sweden: they call or email or send a message to book time with the other part. Then, they ask questions about the applicant, what they did, how it was working with them, why they left, why they're looking for a new job etc. Basically, checking if the applicant lied at any time during the process and if they are easy to work with.

I got a job offer, but the last step before signing the contract is the almighty references.

I sent 4. The future employer chose to contact 3.

1st One is a foreign company that do not provide any personal information except confirmation that the applicant worked there, due to GDPR.

The other 2 were a manager from previous employment and a colleague. The colleague answered the message and contacted me saying that she got 20 questions and it took her 1h to answer them. She said it was like having an interview but about me...

The manager hasn't answered the questions. I was asked to send a reminder to that manager.

Well.. I get stressed and irritated. 20 questions is a lot. Who has time to sit with that for 1h?

And... Can references really stand in between a candidate and an employer to the point that the contract signing is postponed or even canceled?

Is it on a borderline with "too much"? How does it look like in other countries?

I start feeling resigned and consider looking for a another job...