I am a ciswoman. For the longest time I was very hostile towards trans women. But not for the usual reasons. I’ve always envied men, I envy the respect and power that comes naturally with being a man. I’ve never been respected by men nor taken seriously by the due to the mantra spread that women are “illogical thinkers” who are led by “emotion”. I was always the opposite, sometimes I think too logically to a point I forget emotions. But no matter what I did to try and prove myself, there was always a man who would doubt me. It got to a point where I was starting to doubt myself and my credibility. What if those men were right? What if there was something they saw about me that I didn’t? This thought process is what started my envy. I desperately wanted to be born a man, not because I felt like one but I wanted what came with being one. I wanted to be taken seriously. I learned about trans women and I felt disdain. How could a man, someone born with something I wanted so desperately, want to be a woman? Is my struggle not actually a struggle? I feel like an imposter in my own head, constantly questioning my own intelligence because of men. Why would you want that?
I started hating trans women, the fact they wanted to be a woman felt like an insult. An insult to my suffering. But then I saw a video talking about how trans women feel like imposters among women.
It hit me.
Imagine wanting to be something so badly but no matter what you do you’ll never truly be that thing. You feel like an imposter. You feel like an imposter in your own skin.
I related to trans women. I related to transgender people. And in that moment I just started to cry. I felt so guilty because society has told them what being a woman is, and when they try so hard to fit that image they are still outcasted, all because they weren’t born a woman biologically. I tried so hard to be an image of power and respect, but I was always doubted, because I wasn’t born a man. I was hostile towards a group of people that didn’t only understand my suffering. But live in it themselves.
So if anyone reads this, please tell me if I’m thinking about things correctly. Am I right to relate to you?