TLDR - I've turned into an angry mum and partner and I don't know how to fix it. Any tips or advice, anyone been in the same situation?
I (F29) am married to my husband (M38) and we have 2 kids together (6M,2F), we've been together for 10yrs. And I am such an unhappy person I don't recognise myself sometimes.
I don't want to be so angry all the time. I'm on such a short fuse, I'll be 10 minutes into the day with my kids and ready for it to be bed time so I can get away from them and I feel so horrible about it. To be clear I mostly manage to contain my anger in front of them, occasionally yelling, which I feel terrible about, but mostly it's all outward smiles and patience and inside pure rage at the smallest mistakes and just general normal child shenanigans. Why do I have no patience?
I don't even know how to cover all the points about my husband. I feel let down by him, I feel like a live in maid and sex doll, I feel unappreciated and disconnected from him. I've tried talking to him I the past about improving our relationship through various ideas, told him things that bother me and tried to have open communication with him but it never seems to work, only create arguments so I've stopped telling him how I feel lately. I don't want to have sex with him. I haven't for a while but its been easy enough to just go with the flow before, but now I feel physically repulsed sometimes. Outside of the times I've tried to tell him I'm unhappy, and he gets angry or insulted, he's perfectly happy with our relationship. He thinks things are great. At the best of times I feel like he's a friend I co-parent with. At the worst I feel like he's an inconvenient investor.
I thought I should work on myself, and that focusing on me would help solve these issues. I was a stay at home Mum and I thought that was a big part of the problem, not having a life outside the house and getting lost in being a mum and letting myself go. So I've gone back to work part time (I'm liking work) and started eating healthily and going to the gym, keeping the house cleaner, practising better sleep habits, positive affirmations, all the self help things basically. And I still don't feel mentally any better at home. I'm happy at work, I'm happy at the gym. My mood plummets at home.
What should I do? I hate feeling like this. I want to be a better Mum. I want to have a happy relationship. But I'm lost on what to do.
Any advice?