Have I handled conflict between family+bf the wrong way?
There was an incident between my family and my boyfriend. My dad and brother went on a passionate rant about a political/historical topic. My boyfriend had a different pov, and he felt attacked and targeted. As a result, he now feels on edge around them.
I feel really sorry that he experienced that, and I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. When we first talked about it, I asked if he wanted to go nc or lc. He said he didn’t want that, but he does want to pick and choose when he sees them. He said he’ll be on edge the whole time and needs to be in the right mindset, and that he may need to be ready to defend himself if something like this happens again.
Since then, I’ve tried to manage things carefully. I’ve made interactions time-limited (like lunch) I’ve kept an information diet on both sides. We’re in a ldr, so if there’s a family event, I’ll plan to see him the following weekend instead. If conversations get political, I change the subject etc.
We’ve also been talking about moving in together, marriage, and kids, so I’ve brought this up few times. I’ve asked things like whether my family would be welcome in his home and what kind of relationship he’d want between our kids and extended family. I feel like these are valid and important questions. He feels like they’re unnecessary and that I’m making things more complicated than they need to be.
Now I’ve learned that he’s actually quite unhappy with how I’ve handled all of this. I feel like I’ve done the right thing. I guess I’m looking for validation or being told off by people who have complicated relationships with in-laws. Obviously my bf's opinion is the only one that matters and I need to rectify my approach, but do you feel like what I did was somewhat understandable and something that you would have expected from your partner?