Loneliness + anticipatory anxiety
20 years old.
As much as I hate to admit it, I've realized that I might actually be a lonely person.
I have a huge social circle but I find it hard to call someone a friend cause honestly I don't think any of them deserve it, I don't resonate with any of my current "friends". I mean sure sometimes I do have a nice conversation with some people but it's most of the time it's just me trying to be a friend and the other person completely ignoring the efforts. Normally a sane person would just leave the circle they're not appreciated in and find other people but unfortunately I don't have that option since they're literally my class fellows. I have very low social skills.
I am also single, around people my age most of who are not.
Most people my age are enjoying life, getting to know other people, or becoming better versions of themselves. While I see myself as stupid and weird person, I'm not academically good, nor am I good socially.
I don't think a relationship or having good friends is an answer to my problems, I know I'm not a good person in any way yet so no point in being someone's partner or friend.
I don't understand where to go with all this, I'm not smart and afraid for my future as I'll be graduating in a year, I've never experienced what it's like to be in a relationship, I don't have a good company to spend my current time with.
I recently started forcing myself not to spend my entire day in my room and go out in public, I usually go and sit alone. That entire time I feel two things at the same time, that people must think I'm weird for sitting alone and that no one actually noticed I'm there (being invisible in a crowd).
I fear for my future, my parents spent their entire wealth for my education. I have no clue what I'll do when I graduate, I realized soon enough in my degree that I'm not smart enough, I'm barely average. I feel like an ungrateful son for not being better. Whenever I ask my parents for money for my expenses (I am in a uni away from my home), I feel like the worst person. I see my parents love me and spend all for me, and still might not be successful in life. I feel like a spoiled brat.
I have times when u just lay numb on my bed, unable to do anything or want to do anything. And then there are times when I just feel good for no reason.
I have thought a lot about seeking therapy and regulating my emotions but haven't been able to yet. I consistently started going to the gym recently and that kinda helped in a way.
If anyone has gone through this phase of life, or might have any suggestions for me on how to take things on or what an healthy mindset about would be like for me.... I would highly appreciate it.
Apologies for the long post.