This is a throwaway account because I don't want anyone to find me.
I found out yesterday that my husband has "been thinking about what to do for my first mother's day" for months, but never actually booked or reserved anything that would require enough time. He just felt like he could book things last minute or wing it. Even though I know he's coordinated events in the past like my 30th birthday.
He keeps saying "I have this issue where time just gets away from me and I don't know how to fix it" (aka procrastinating). He said this while having a massive panic attack, after I tried to confront him about "his plans" and while I was already crying upset and feeling unseen or appreciated. He KNOWS my love language is proactivity and forethought. Planning so I don't have to think because I plan our lives on a regular basis and am a full-time SAHM. He shows up for us in so many other ways, but if I'm being honest, they often are ways that are easy for him or come naturally for him. Not the ways that require more character shifting or challenging his bad habits.
All of this hits harder because I feel so unseen and lonely. I love my baby boy but I feel so trapped. We don't have a second vehicle and where I live has poor public transportation. I get out for walks but it's just not enough. I'm incredibly lonely. I cried all morning in moments where my baby couldn't see me today. I take antidepressants but they don't seem to be helping. I'm not sure therapy would help either. I have no time for what I used to love doing and I feel like a ghost. Maybe it would be easier if I just disappeared