u/Decent-Baker2555

I’m looking for honest outside perspective because I feel emotionally exhausted and can’t tell if I’m seeing this clearly anymore.
I’ve been involved in a long-distance relationship for about 5 years. When we met, we were both married. I’m currently separated from my husband and just waiting for the divorce to finalize now.
We live on opposite coasts, so the distance and time difference have always been hard, but somehow we made it work for this long. I care deeply about him and genuinely envisioned my life with him.
We have a very intense emotional and physical connection and when we’re together it honestly feels amazing. He tells me I’m the person he loves most, says I’m different from everyone else, and has talked about future plans/travel/etc.
The problem is that there has always been an issue with trust and other women. He cheated on his wife with me when we first got involved.
About 3 years ago after his divorce, he broke up with me and started dating other women. Eventually we reconnected, but I later found out he had continued dating and talking to other women behind my back while reassuring me that I was the one he truly loved. Then he broke up with me again. Later we reconnected again and he told me he had stopped dating and wanted another chance with me, so I believed him and gave the relationship another chance.
Over the last 3 years though, I slowly became more insecure and lost confidence in myself. I constantly worried about trust, betrayal, and whether I was truly enough for him emotionally. I was also struggling physically and mentally with anxiety, headaches, body pain, emotional overwhelm, and constant stress around the relationship.
This January I finally asked him for some time and space so I could focus on healing myself emotionally and mentally. About 3 months later we were still arguing because things were not progressing as quickly as either of us wanted, I still felt emotionally low and insecure, and I honestly did not feel healed or emotionally safe yet. So I ended the relationship.
After that, he immediately went back on dating apps and started talking to other women again.
A few weeks later we reconnected emotionally and physically. I asked for another chance and he agreed. We met again recently and had a very deep emotional and physical reconnection. I truly thought we were rebuilding slowly and choosing each other again.
Only afterward did I realize he had never actually stopped dating and talking to other women during this process. Now he says he wants to continue dating me while also dating other women because he wants to “take things slow” with us and keep the relationship light while we figure things out.
At the same time, he still tells me:
he loves me deeply
I’m different from everyone else
he sees me as his person
he thinks I need healing/confidence/divorce finalized first
But emotionally I’m struggling because I want exclusivity, emotional safety, honesty, and to feel fully chosen — not like I’m sharing someone I deeply love.
Part of me feels like I pushed him away while I was struggling mentally and emotionally. Another part of me feels like years of instability, dishonesty, broken trust, and emotional inconsistency are what caused my insecurity and emotional exhaustion in the first place.
Am I unreasonable for wanting exclusivity and emotional safety after all of this? Or did I unintentionally damage the relationship beyond repair by stepping away when I was mentally struggling?
I’m open to honest feedback because I feel emotionally confused and heartbroken right now.