I realise this is hardly a unique experience but from the minute I wake up I’m generally constantly irritated. And I feel like all the day long I’m just working at not expressing that or having to intentionally be more positive, mentally.
This could be when I’m working AND when I’m not. When I’m busy AND when I’m not. I’m socialising AND when I’m not. Fed & watered or not. Don’t get me wrong, There are little pockets of not being irritated throughout the day ie when I play music, when I meet a cat on the street, when I see or speak with a friend but for the most part it’s irritation central, population me.
I’ve concluded it’s just my baseline and it’s why I’ve spent so many years masking because of course having a low affect + being easily irritated isn’t generally a vibe people enjoy being around so I’ve learned to rarely let it show and often end up on the other extreme- being smiley and engaging when i would rather just be myself. So now that I’m trying to actively stop masking, I’m noticing the irritation more.
It’s a weird one. Part of me could care less as long as I’m not aggressive or horrible to people (which I never am) but then there’s another part of me where I think “why are so irritated all the damn time girl wtf” and wish I had a little bit more of a sunny disposition- without having to fake it?