Feels like life is falling apart
I (43 M) feel like my life is falling apart. My career is stalling, I feel like my wife doesn't love me, and I'm in constant anxiety about the future. Maybe this is a vent, but I am genuinely grieving what I thought my life would be.
I tried a career pivot away from local government work; the politics were just getting too weird. I took a remote job thinking I would enjoy it, but I feel completely isolated and crushed by the lack of meaningful engsgement. I wake up with dread at 3am most nights in anticipation of a day spent alone, or worse, having meetings with other remote colleagues who demand more production without any support. It's soul-crushing, and I am desperately looking for another job with the hope of regaining a social component that I didn't know I needed.
My marriage is not what I envisioned. My wife can only see my faults, and I feel like there is nothjng I can do to make her happy... And honestly, it's been like that our whole marriage. She has always had a short fuse, and if anything upsets her, it's a divorce-worthy offense. There is no forgiveness, no tolerance, no grace... if I try to share how I feel, she says my view is invalid compared to her feelings. I don't see a solution to my marriage strife; it's hard for a person to change (both of us), and at this point, I believe she would be happier without me as an object of scorn.
So I don't know what this post is... A rambling? A venting? A shout into the dark? I'm just sharing what I'm feeling because my heart is breaking, my mind is troubled, and I fee like I am stuck in a trap of my own creation. Right now, though, I am just sad and lonely and dejected.
I mourn for the life and the love I thought I would have.