It’s been 2 years since the relationship officially ended. It’s been a year since I stopped talking to her because even though we broke up I still tried to be there for her.
Does the guilt for abandoning yourself, your value, your interest ever go away? Sometimes when I’m having a good day I just think about that and I shudder. When I’m on a date I instinctively check her socials. I’m so fucked in the head man. I can tell she’s taking her medicine by the weight gain but I can also tell after that horrific episode and break up she’s still manic. Why do I care. Why am I looking for these things. It makes me hate myself.
She called me a month ago to check on me…. WHY did I answer. She said she’s sorry she could be what I needed… I didn’t need you to be anything but take care of yourself. All I said was that the apology sounds like it’s for her not me. She called me to apologize to herself. I didn’t want to keep talking. She hasn’t changed and yet, neither have I.
I’m doing better I moved back home with my folks as a 30 year old man. Trying to start over while she finds a new boyfriend to take care of her. It’s not all bad. My sister is having a baby. I’m going to be an uncle. And I met a nice stable person. It doesnt feel the same. It’s depressing that it doesn’t feel like enough. I guess I still have some healing to do. Well anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.
See you soon Space Cowboys.