please please I need help. I don't know what to call it. I was newly 15 (trans boy, gay) and was best friends with someone for a really long time at the time who was almost 17 and very reliant on substances, and very depressed in general. looking back, she was honestly crazy, but I won't get into that. I was still in middle school when she told me I was the only person she could rely on, and so for the next year she relied on me for everything. I loved her a lot, as a friend, and cared about her so much, but it got to the point she was giving me scares about her safety nearly every day. I was so nauseous just worrying about her. so, of course, it felt like a full time job comforting her. it felt like nothing else mattered, because she just wouldn't stop depending on me.
my love language even with friends was physical touch. I would comfort her with hugs, cuddles, you name it. and it must've seemed to her like I loved her. which I did, more than anyone else before, but I'm gay. she knew that. But she still confessed to me on a nice Valentine's day and, well, I went along with it. her happiness had been my number one anxiety every day for over a year at that point, so of course I went with it. so we "dated" for only a few weeks before she went genuinely crazy and freaked out on all her loved ones. but I say "dated" because all it was, was her venting and having sex with me. First, she completely unpromptedly sent me nudes, before randomly sexting me, before touching me and asking me to touch her multiple times at my house. she did and asked me to do so many different dirty things. but the reason I don't know what this counts as is because I never said no. but i DID voice to her many times that I was unsure, that she might be moving too fast, that I had never done anything like that and I was nervous. but she always responded with "I'm pretty experienced ;) I'll guide you!! you can trust me!! I can show you how to do everything and anything." she just seemed so experienced and eager I still just went along with it, like the rest of our friendship.
Remember how I said physical touch was my love language? its been over a year since she stopped talking to me, and my friends still can't even touch my arm in the slightest or else I start to feel sick. I get repulsed at the thought of even a hug, and can't even slightly bear the thought of sexual intimacy or else I get sick. I can't look at my body the same way. I might even be asexual at the same time, I don't know. I just don't know. I never said no. I don't know if this was my fault or not, she was unwell. I don't know if it's related but something else that adds to my conflict is how she went to dozens of other people on ym highschool and told them I'm a rapist. I don't know. I dont understand and it makes me feel so sick I can't believe people think that's what I am sorry if there are typos and how long it is pleasei just need to knwo