all my mother wanted in life was a child, she was diagnosed with endometriosis, which made it harder to conceive naturally, and had me at 41 through IVF.
my mother loved me as a child, seemingly, but it felt more as an accomplishment rather than actual love. my mother didn’t have hobbies, and spent most of her life centered on men.
growing up, she became very obsessed with me, and tried to keep me away from others as much as possible. i wasn’t even allowed to visit my fathers side of the family who was only a few states away. she was controlling over what i ate, watched, who i saw, what i did, my hobbies, etc. it’s as if i didn’t have a say or mind of my own. she would speak for me whenever others would ask me questions.
once i started to get older, i realized i was viewed as conventionally attractive, 5’10 and thin, (i hate attention, i can pick up on energies very well, and dealt with social anxiety, which i believe could be from being underdeveloped in that department from lack of socialization as a child, so i was very quiet as a kid, more observing than participating.)
i started to notice snarky comments by my mother because of my appearance, and the attention i would receive from it at times. my mother has struggled with her physical image for a long time, and would make rude comments about lifelong friends of hers that were beautiful, saying how the men always loved them because they had so and so physical traits that she didn’t- rolling her eyes as she would say these things, with a disgusted look on her face. she no longer talks to any of these women, only women she finds less attractive than her.
when i turned 18, i was scouted by a modeling agency, my mother seemingly excited for me, but i believe it was just to boast about it on facebook. i believe she is a narcissist. she hated taking photos of me if the agency asked, and purposely would post bad photos of me online, if it weren’t ones she wanted to take of me. (didn’t think much of it, that’s what mothers do, without ill intent, right?)
i didn’t end up pursuing the modeling far, dealt with a suicide of a close friend and i just didn’t have the personality for it, i don’t use/like social media and i also don’t want to be used for my physical appearance.
my mother has also always been in complete control of my finances, showing envy if i had financial highs and requesting more for my bills during months i had more money in my account, and would stalk my payments/where i was buying things so she knew my location at all times.
she has sabotaged almost every friendship i’ve had, personally messaging them things about me that weren’t true. if i showed any signs of admiration towards anyone else, she would quickly find a way to ruin/sabotage the connection, so she was the only person in my life.
she is a very intelligent woman, a librarian, any books she reads are about seeking revenge, or murders in the family, daughters dying, etc. i just figured she had specific taste, i was more into science/hot wheels as a kid and she despised me for it; that i wasn’t extremely feminine.
i have caught her telling other family members lies about me, and telling them personal information about my life to them, it’s always the negative aspects, not the positive. i have never experienced anyone who is this two faced of a person.
on my birthdays, she would make it about her, saying “this is my day too, i will be there no matter what you’re doing and who you’re with”.
her older brother has not been in contact with her in years, due to her character. she has a close relationship with her mother, but it’s because they are very similar people, and i believe my mother keeps a healthy relationship with her due to the fact she’ll be inheriting a good chunk of money from them, but they are still alive and healthy, and the older my mother gets, the more impatient she seems that she hasn’t hit her jackpot yet. i no longer have a relationship with my grandmother, she is worse than my mother. my father and her divorced when i was in middle school due to an affair on his part, and he lives in japan with my younger half brother and his new wife over there.
i recently moved back home to live with my mother from new york after some health issues (autoimmune issues which i believe was from the stress i endured from her as a child). she even encouraged me that moving home was best for me.
the resentment from her seems to be getting louder, and i found out she has been talking horribly about me again to my grandmother and family friends after discovering texts. yes, i went through her phone, she has invaded my privacy my entire life, i am not sorry.
my mother is cruel, and the love she pretends to show behind closed doors is superficial. the list goes on and on for betrayals by her. i couldn’t understand how someone could be so obsessed yet resentful towards someone, and that is exactly how i would describe my mothers feelings towards me. it has been constant cycles of disappointment and forgiveness for her, constantly breaking my heart.
she has always been strangely obsessed with children/young women, and was angry/jealous when i would date, and didn’t allow me to go to a gynecologist as a teenager because it meant i was having sex, and she couldn’t fathom that. she caught me shaving my legs at 16, and started screaming and cursing at me at the top of her lungs, calling me a whore.
for anyone who is interested in astrology, she is an aquarius sun, aries moon, capricorn rising, strikingly similar to epsteins chart, which explains the child obsession.
i believe my mother could kill me, or atleast carry out a murder suicide, as her health is starting to decline a bit, she doesn’t have her fortune, and i don’t see her leaving without me.