u/Dear-Dinner136

These are videos of how I behave with/around other people, and how I behave I suppose in general (I am the one in the pink shorts in the first two: [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQpgnG/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQpgnG/) and [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQbKoq/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQbKoq/) and [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQc5nc/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQc5nc/) and [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQ7PUb/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTksQ7PUb/%C2%A0) 

I am moving into my first ever apartment complex soon, even though I am not “sure” about the person who will be my roommate. I have had a lot of legitimately traumatic experiences with other people, including my immediate family members - my mother is actually the reason as to why I will be moving (her persistent screaming about her stalkers/paranoia and aggressive behavior are what got us kicked out of the apartment complex I grew up in) even though I really hate the idea of having to spend any kind of money (that is what kept me home for so long, even though I am a new 21.) I don’t necessarily “like” the idea of having a roommate and know deep down inside that I’d prefer to live alone, but I have reached a point wherein I think it’s best for my overall health to move away. I was initially able to handle the drama, but I’ve realized that even though it’s going to be an adjustment, I need to practice being on my own. I think I’d actually be more excited by the prospect of learning how to cook and do other things for myself if I hadn’t experienced such a significant amount of trauma and weren’t always so stressed out. My roommate is going to be an older woman, and I had partly decided to just go ahead and move in with her (though it wasn’t an immediate decision, it’s just that she was the most prepared to move in with me) even though I’d likely have more fun with a roommate who was in my age range because it’s faster and to be completely honest the apartment complex is much cleaner and nicer than the hotel I’ve been living in with my family over the past month. I’ve mainly been trying to avoid thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to get used to learning how to cook, clean, etc. I had actually recognized when I was exiting the apartment complex the other day that it reminds me a lot of my elementary school best friend’s, and that even though we fell out that likely subconsciously factored into my reasoning for choosing it. I already know that trying to have an older roommate will force me to move out of my comfort zone. 

I have diagnosed depression and anxiety.

I am kind of all over the place in regards to my goals, to an extent. I feel like I don’t truly know myself well enough, even as someone who more recently turned 21, to truly map out my goals. I realized more recently after seeing someone vomit in public and only saying “oh my gosh” in response, but not feeling like I had to get up and move or even feeling nauseous as a result, that it is possible I actually \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*could\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* handle becoming a nurse or CNA. As I was describing to the peers I saw today, I have certainly changed as I have grown older. Two-three years ago when I saw someone vomit, it used to always make me feel nauseous. After seeing a substitute in my last year of high school throw up, I’d been on the phone with my doctor requesting those anti-vomiting meds (the ones that keep you from doing it before it happens. I don’t remember what they’re called. I’m actually lucky in that I haven’t thrown up just from seeing it or even when actually feeling nauseous since I was in preschool.) When I saw someone throw up a couple days ago, never contacted my doctor about it and was actually the least reactive of everyone. I think that seeing what’s happened to my family - how it has fallen apart over time, with my brother who has schizophrenia having seemingly lost himself in the way my mother has - has made me realize that there are much, much worse things that can happen in life than throwing up or seeing someone else vomit. As I had told my peers, I may also just be growing older. But it did make me realize that perhaps ruling out nursing - which I’d wanted to go into so badly when I was younger - due to what I thought was emetophobia may not have actually been the best idea. I do know that I ultimately want to help people in the longterm, even though I’ve had a lot of horrible experiences with people over the years (I have also actually had a lot of decent experiences with people, which I acknowledge more as an adult.)

It is actually possible that I’ll end up having a kid myself - I wouldn’t personally want more than one - later on in life even though I acknowledge that there is a fair likeliness of them having mental health issues (the most serious one being schizophrenia, though of course not everyone who may experience trauma or happens to be genetically prone to it is actually going to get it. I suspect my mom has a late onset version of it, but neither set of grandparents seemed to have it, and I don’t think my maternal aunt who is a few years older does either.) I would have to be married first, however. I think that this simply will provide a child with the most stable foundation. I also already know that I wouldn’t want to have more than one. To me, 1 just seems like the perfect number. It’s a lot easier to provide sole focus on 1 child. My paternal grandparents had a lot of children (fifteen, which was too many. My father and certain family members acknowledge this. They could never afford anything because of it,) though I didn’t grow up around them myself, which I think would make me less likely to value having a large family anyhow - the whole nature v nurture debate. I also know that I wouldn’t be able to depend on my own parents to help me care for any child of mine, because both were considered negligent when I was in high school. I actually know that I likely wouldn’t make for a great parent myself, but I admit that this likely won’t necessarily stop me from having a child - I’d rather want to ensure that I were older and felt like I was just in a more stable position in life overall, finished with my education and all.

I have considered becoming a CNA in the past, but I know it’s hard on the body and this turns me off from the idea. I’ve been considering going for it because it may give me a better idea of whether or not I’d want to become a nurse. I was honest today when having a conversation with peers about the fact that when it comes to school and life, my goal is to find a way to take things as easy as I can whilst still actively learning/growing as an individual and finding a way to support my community. I am thinking about going for a masters degree in social work, but I admit that I’m not “sure” about it - i don’t think I’d want to become a therapist. I may want to work in case management for a bit after getting my bachelors degree because of my family’s experience with housing insecurity. I know what it feels like to be close to homelessness, and I don’t want for others to feel as though their needs are not being met/their voices are not being heard when their families are going through a challenging time. I admit that as of late I am recognizing that I really need to figure out a way to slow down in life and get my sleeping schedule together first before I start thinking more seriously about my longterm educational goals. I’d need to be finished with school before becoming a parent. I have a 3.93 GPA in school. I have actually always done well in school, even though I know that I am not “smart.” I know that I may end up changing my major when I attend a local university next year. I had suggested that I don’t see myself enjoying something wherein I had to talk to other people constantly/actively without having an opportunity to sit down and reflect/be by myself at points or more to myself (that I don’t think I’d like having to be “on” all of the time.) I am still weighing my options concerning schools, and actually have a counseling appointment in a few days concerning discussion of transfer, to figure out what they are able to offer in comparison to the school I was planning on most likely going to.

I actually tend to feel angry a fair amount even though I don’t think I always express it. I’ve been known to start yelling in the past when I was angry about something, though I have become much better about that over time. I am actually not always angry, even though my mother has voiced her hope that I and my other immediate family members die more than once. I do sometimes sincerely feel happy and I feel like even though my mother’s mental health has declined so drastically as she has grown older, I have a decent idea of what an adult is “supposed” to do in life. If you ask why I tend to feel some of this anger, I’d say that it’s due to some experiences I had in my youth, and really just how stupid and pointless much of what my parents do is. I’ve always felt like both had kids for no reason. It’s difficult to not feel angry when your parents made decisions that automatically put you in a position in society wherein people weren’t going to treat you as well. 

I have actually not been trying to date seriously. I feel like I have a lot of issues with men that I have never properly addressed, and I could see myself struggling in a longterm relationships as a result even though communication is something I have started to place value on as I have grown older. This doesn’t mean that I don’t value or care about relationships and community. I actually think that I’d likely lose it a little bit if I didn’t have to interact with other people on a consistent basis.

I would likely be a negligent parent. I know this deep down inside. This is partly why I am glad that I don’t have a child right now, because I’d be too distracted by school to adequately care for them - I have been babysitting a 7 year old for almost 2 years now, but actually trying to raise a child (which takes a lot of work) would be different. I also know how hard pregnancy is on the body and I’d really need a partner who was attracted enough to me to not lose attraction if my smell changed, my body changed, etc. after having a child (which isn’t necessarily uncommon.)

I am not “smart” even though I was considered to be in middle school (and this means nothing now. Smart as an adult is not the same as smart is from middle school-10th grade,) in part because I don’t really care to research most things and I already know that. It’s partly why I’m not actually going to head into psychology even though I was interested in at 18-19 (when I had looked at the actual classes it seemed too research oriented for my liking.)

I am not necessarily childfree even though a lot of people in my age group are. I’d just need to be with the right person. I already know that I do not have a high pain tolerance, so anything more than one child is probably not a good idea for me. 

I know that my immediate family members are bad people, in spite of the trauma they have experienced. I don’t like to “deal” with it, and I will/do indeed engage in or start arguments with them at points even though I know that there is a possibility based upon what I’ve seen here that one of them will become physically aggressive with me. 

When I was in high school, I didn’t like to tell people the truth about how my mother is - or rather about who she had become - because I felt a desire to protect her. I didn’t want the other parents to think poorly of her but I also just preferred to stay with family because I am, well, used to them, and I always felt that it was easier. It actually was quite harmful in hindsight.

I’ve gone back to just legitimately eating unhealthy st times/eating fast food at times because even with fiber medication and weeks of eating fruit/high fiber foods my external hemorrhoid never quite disappeared. And yes I know that this is not “smart,” it’s just that it’s almost two months in now and I was just kind of like why not go back to enjoying my normal meals. I had a lot of healthy food today (strawberries, apples, my normal lunch at a healthy local fast food place which is a paprika chicken protein plate, etc.)

I was not afraid of a man who approached me and suggested that he was itching to have a child with me (he perceived me as having been maternal) in spite of the fact that he was honest when we were having the conversation about the fact that he’d been to jail due to domestic violence charges. He had suggested that I did not seem to get comfortable with him quickly, but there was another man I was approached by when I was 18 or so who I also did not necessarily “get comfortable with” quickly - I apparently seemed tense around both of them even though I was attracted to them, though I had never understood both pointing out the observation (I think that both were ESxP’s, though the second one who approached me when I was 18 could have been an ISTP - I don’t remember that one as well,) because I’d always felt that it’s actually probably pretty normal as a woman to seem slightly uneasy around a man who you don’t know very well and are spending time with alone. I’m curious about who both had spent time with that may have seemed to ease up around them quickly.

I had spent more time in community college than ideal in part because I did not realize (in part because I never researched it, I suppose) that I could simply change my major when I transferred to a university. I don’t really even want to become a preschool teacher (I have worked at a preschool before, and I know that it’s not something I see myself doing in the longterm.) I may want to become an elementary school teacher later on, like get my K-3 teaching credential, but even that’s more of a “maybe” than it is something I’m shooting for necessarily. I am focused right now on my finals and my overall physical and mental health.

I partly suspect that I would make for a negligent parent later on because I have a habit of seeing things happen/knowing that bad things are happening and not necessarily handling it most of the time, in relation to my own family. It’s not uncommon for my immediate family members to become physically aggressive with each other and my mother will often hit my father unprovoked (he’s done worse to her once,) but I don’t tend to “do” anything about this. I was irritated earlier today when my mother said she wanted to fight each of us and her suggesting she wants us all to die everyday isn’t healthy for me to hear at all, but I don’t try to “take action” when it comes to things like this. I’ll sometimes argue if I’m feeling like it or make a snarky comment, but I’ve never actually called the authorities when I’ve been threatened by my brother - not as a minor, and not more recently - and we are partly in the hotel right now in the first place because, even though I kept requesting community resources, I simply did not end up getting my mother outside support (and this was in part because she has always refused if, and when an adult really doesn’t want mental health support it is a grueling process to try and get them to change their mind.) Some people would have just aimed to be on their own as soon as they knew their family was facing eviction. In hindsight I do wonder if this may have been a bit smarter, but other than not pushing harder (and I partly haven’t pushed harder because life is life and I’m always tired or busy these days) to get my mother help - and I admit my motive would have been selfish to an extent, because I honestly am more irritated about the fact that she got us kicked out in the first place, though I’ve calmed down in regards to that a bit as time has progressed - I don’t exactly “regret” any decision I’d made.

It has always frustrated/annoyed me to an extent that other people don’t really care about me, or you in general as you sift through life. It has made me cynical at points in the past, but as I’ve grown older I have become better about this and I know that it is possible for me to be happy. I was a lot more cynical when I was in middle school, and I remember that from the age of ten, I had always enjoyed reading about disturbing things that had happened in life (I watched taxi driver in middle school for example and I remember telling my “friend group” - they were not real friends - about the desolate state of New York in the 1970s. It fascinated me then. As an adult i don’t actually like to read or hear about depressing aspects or periods of life so often, in part because i already feel that life as an adult is challenging and i guess that i just don’t have any interest in reading even more about difficult life conditions. I’m just more focused on what is actually going on within my life now and on my goals.)

I recall that when I was younger in school, I had wanted to be a popular student, but never actually was (well, I no longer cared about popularity by the time I was fifteen.) As an adult, I still don’t necessarily place high value on popularity. The television I tend to watch is popular (or was popular. I watch a lot of older/vintage television shows,) and I tend to go to food places that are recommended as well. It’s not so much a matter of notoriety as it is of perhaps putting more trust into something, to an extent, because I’ve heard that it’s a Good thing and not always feeling like doing a significant amount of research on it (and yes, I know that this isn’t “smart.”) I have also found myself becoming more open to trying and enjoying new/different foods, which wasn’t the case for me when I was a bit younger. I tried beef chicken from a Chinese food restaurant tonight and enjoyed it even though I know it’s not good for me.

My mother suggested that I had a nervous disposition as a preschooler, and I have seen in pictures of myself as a baby that I was a very happy baby (I do sincerely seem to have smiled often and had more of a naturally sunny disposition.)

I actually really will be moving out of my comfort zone when I head into an apartment with this woman. I don’t really know how I envision it going. Living with someone else in general is actually not really my ideal, and I already know that some people may feel that me choosing to live with an older woman is a bit weird - it’s an unusual dynamic/situation - but I don’t think that she is a bad person/I think that she means well and heading into this, I’d like to assume the best.

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My period started today. I don’t necessarily think my cycles are irregular, but I’m not sure - I actually do think I was last on my period 3-4 weeks ago. Normally the first 3 days are heavy bleeding. Other than a few small chin hairs and neck hair, I don’t have an excessive amount of facial hair. I noticed today that I seem to have developed forehead pimples that I imagine align with my period starting (I think I first got these a week ago) even though I’m 21 which further makes me think it’s a hormonal imbalance, though I don’t normally break out. I was tested for PCOS around 16-17 and seem to remember my pediatrician said I didn’t have it but wouldn’t hurt to be tested again. My maternal aunt was infertile due to a hormonal imbalance she said she isn’t sure of, she said it was “probably fibroids” (she’s too old to become a parent naturally now.)