u/Deanna73

I recently posted for the first time about the dissolution of my 2+ year relationship with my live in partner who is undiagnosed but with strong BPD traits.

The unravelling/ splitting began over a year ago when he accused my friend 'Tom' and I of going behind his back. The story is frankly insane. Tom is an ex I used to live with who left some furniture at my house when he moved interstate. My pwBPD contacted Tom while he was in town to ask him to take the furniture. The same day my dear sister was admitted to hospital. Tom knew this and called to see how she was. He also asked if it was okay if he picked the furniture up next visit. I said sure. He explained my partner had called him. This seemed off to me as it was a stressful time and the furniture was no big deal.

When my partner got home I expressed I was annoyed with him about the furniture - it is my issue and not important. It was the first time I ever got angry at him. I shouldn't have but I was beside myself with worry about my sister.

Then the splitting began. My partner demanded me and Tom apologise to him for going behind his back. He kept demanding Tom remove one item in particular, a dressing table. I was so confused - my sweetheart who was always so kind and helpful was acting erratically.

I know he smashed the dressing table and removed it from the premises. He claimed he didn't . By this point I suspected something was going on with him and a friend suggested BPD. It fit but also not. Or so I thought. I love him and kept explaining it all away.

Since then my boyfriend has split in front of several friends of mine. And he has intensified his hatred of Tom who does not even live in the state. Any time he is dysregulated Tom is to blame.

The relationship has disintegrated and as it has my boyfriend has started to send Tom abusive emails calling him names and making threats. I have not told my boyfriend I know so as not to intensify the problem/ triangulation. Tom agrees but has also lost patience. Next time he is going to the police.

I have asked my boyfriend to move out and we agree the relationship is beyond salvation but the blame game continues. Any attempt to express my hurt turns into a vile attack on Tom.

Today my partner wrote to me to say he can't wait to attack Tom, he lives for the day. It is going to be hard to get my now ex out of the house and I fear it will involve more abuse of Tom. I feel scared, guilty and sad. There's little chance of my pwBPD going interstate to pursue Tom but sometimes I don't know.

What should I be bracing myself for? What actions should I take? Thanks!

I'm a long time lurker and first time poster who is very grateful to this community, it has really helped me understand my live in boyfriend of the last 2 plus years who I have suspected has BPD or traits thereof for about a year now. Classic signs include splitting, testing behaviours, black and white thinking, triangulation in the form of paranoid narrative that me and a close male friend of mine have been conspiring behind his back. He has now started sending this friend - who lives interstate - aggressive emails. I have protected my partner to friends and family who have observed his splits - usually in response to perceived criticisms- but I can't do it any longer. I've given up hope and have reached the end of the empath line. He never apologises for the harms he causes, everything is everyone else's fault etc etc. We all know the drill.

In recent months, when he splits he demands that my friend and I 'sort out' the fabricated problem he has created. I refuse and he says 'we're done'' and I agree and we sleep in different rooms until the storm passes.

At the moment though I am holding the line. I have started telling people about the situation to make sure I act. We are co-existing politely which won't last. I know it must end. I am grieving and my whole body is in pain. He however seems fine. He no longer calls me by terms of endearment but 'boss' or 'mate' (we are Australian). He makes me meals (he's a chef). But neither of us is trying to reconcile. He has nowhere to go and no $$. A familiar story.

It's as though I am living with a stranger. I guess I am. I don't know what will happen next, but it is such an alienating feeling. I am trying to focus on me and what I am feeling but can't help ponder what is happening with him. A bad habit that needs to be broken.

Has anyone else experienced this shift, from lover to stranger? I know the answer, but all variations on this story are welcome. Thanks!