Hello, feel a little awkward posting but I would love to discuss and feel a little validation in my emotions.
I'm not diagnosed with anything, rarely went to the doctor in my childhood and my behavior was just accepted as the way I am. My parents were neglectful and uneducated in anything relating to this so it makes me hesitant to try and see my self as other than "normal" but I don't feel normal. I was very quiet at school and hardly spoke above a whisper to teachers and in a social setting. When I was home I would burn all my energy and jump all over the place, just being classified as hyper. My teachers loved me because I was good in school and never said anything. This confirmed for me that this behavior was accepted and welcomed.
Throughout school I had extreme anxiety. I spoke to 2 or 3 people but never had anyone I felt I could be open with completely. I kept my emotions and thoughts in my own head and began silently judging and evaluating everything around me.
I realized my parents weren't good people, most of my coworkers now are hateful and mean. But I can think these things and not know how to deal with them. I simply try my best to avoid these people while also not letting them know I dislike them. What I fear above most as of late is that everyone hates me. That my behavior makes them dislike me. When I bring up that someone probably hates me for taking a longer break than I'm supposed to or not helping as much as I should, I'm told I'm overthinking and no one is thinking negatively about me but the thoughts never go away.
I just want to please everyone in a world where it feels no one wants to please me.
I'm just ranting about what's on my mind so thanks for reading and sorry if this post doesn't really make sense in this sub.