u/Dclnsfrd

I’m 39 and I’m AuDHD. My mom, the main person who really got me, suddenly passed away when I was 23. In more recent years, my dad has been one of my crucial support people; he helps me process my emotions out loud, he helps me brainstorm ways to approach something that’s surrounded by junkyard dogs of emotions, all sorts of stuff

Today, I wanted to show him that this one artist I like, she had made some art that was really encouraging. (The Latest Kate makes cute cartoonish art with encouraging sentences on there.) The way I worded it was “There’s this artist I like, and she makes encouraging memes.”

My dad gave his typical cornball smirk and said “make a meme. Put a character waving, and have the text say ‘Hi. My name is Arthur, and I’m encouraging.’”

My dad’s usually funnier than that, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to share a meme my dad made ❤️

Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card, and Arthur is encouraging 👋

TLDR: I get God times when I’m at work sometimes, and I feel like I can’t even halfway engage (despite this job having lengths of time where it’s not imperative that I focus on any one thing.) Seeking advice on how to shake off, idk, social anxiety? Work nervousness? Idek

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Being autistic, I have to constrain myself a lot to operate in the world. (ICYDK you can and will be judged for being happy incorrectly. Because there are apparently wrong ways to be happy in my experience 😒)

But sometimes, God decides to draw near to me. A blinding fire in my chest, a kind of sorrow/ache that I can’t tangibly hug Him despite His closeness, and like even the space between every one of my atoms has been made sacred space. Sorry for being weird, but this addictive intimacy during times I’m in public, usually when I’m at work, make me feel like— well…

(Imagine if you will… 😎 < — Rod Serling)

So, imagine two people are married. One of them is at work. Tadaa! Their spouse has free time and showed up with lunch! Worker Spouse goes on break and finds a quiet corner with Lunch Spouse to spend some time together. Time together turns into little looks, blushes, suddenly they’re making out because THEY’RE IN LOVE AND ARE IMMENSELY GRATEFUL TO LIVE LIFE TOGETHER!

Okay. So, that would be a (I say this affectionately) corny-ass married couple smooching on lunch break

Now imagine there are little looks, blushing, but when Lunch Spouse goes in for a kiss— even just a peck on the cheek— Worker Spouse freezes up. Lunch Spouse tries to help them relax by stroking their hand, saying sweet nothings, but Worker Spouse gulps nervously and acts like their beloved DOESN’T want to be close to them as much as possible.
Some days Worker Spouse can smile and squeeze Lunch Spouse’s hand, but intimate convos and times in the car is the closest Worker Spouse can get to relaxing in love outside of the house. And Worker Spouse feels like they’re being unfair to Lunch Spouse, even though they’re not sure why they can’t just relax in love. Why they can’t even do tiny things to rest in love like sitting next to Lunch Spouse, head on their shoulder, fingers intertwined, in comfortable silence

So yeah, that’s me

I don’t know why I freeze up, unable to relax. Well, I know a little of why (history of being shamed/etc in public for being too happy,) but I don’t know what to do about it. I try to walk through logic, how I’m not making anyone uncomfortable or anything, how God matters more than everyone, but I still freeze up

God, in His mercy, still “brings me lunch” sometimes while I’m at work. These times give so much life when I’m able to just relax and savor my Eternal Love. Any advice on how to be less nervous when God chooses to bring my emotions into line with various truths about who He is?

TIA

My dad made a meme. Hope you enjoy (elaboration in description/caption)

Advice on feeling comfortable in public?

Not diagnosed, but this is me on this sub regularly 😆

Egg irl