TL;DR: My ex and his best friends thought for a long time that I was hopelessly in love with said ex, when in reality I had a big crush on one of said best friends over a decade ago. The crush was revived recently after 10 years of not thinking about it anymore, and I still think about how it would shatter my ex’s humongous ego (and feel a bit like karma/revenge) if he knew about that crush… but I am genuinely into his ex-best friend (it’s not to get back at my ex), and also I’m trying to be a good person, not a petty one, so I’m venting here instead.
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My ex and I (32F) dated in mid-2011 when I was in high school, only for a couple months but then we spent the following 5 years playing cat and mouse without ever dating again. I eventually cut ties (early 2016), then he came back 5 years later (mid-2021) with an apology, we talked for a couple years (no romantic involvement and we were both in different countries), then I came to my senses and cut ties again (early 2023).
Long story short, I finally got the truth out of him years later (fairly recently actually as I was tying off some loose ends with a few people a few months ago), he was never really interested in me, but my attraction to him flattered his ego so he always kept me not too far but not too close during those 5 initial years (not even for sex as we never really had much of it, literally just to flatter his ego… and when I would go too long without talking to him he was actually the one putting himself back into my orbit). But yeah he was not into me and was even mocking me behind my back, as he confessed.
That’s all behind now, even though it took me a long time to move on from that story (thank god I had before I got that confession out of him!), but it was youth and it served a purpose: it helped me grow emotionally, showed me how resilient I am, how fiercely and unconditionally I can love (even though this time the feeling wasn’t mutual and it wasn’t the right person, it doesn’t invalidate what I felt and learned about myself), helped me know what I want and what I no longer want, what I will never settle for again, etc,… so I don’t hold a grudge. The last time I spoke to him I wished him well and moved on for good (even though emotionally I already had years before).
But back to the best friend part. Back then (2011-2016, the first 5 years when my ex and I did a lot of back and forth) he had two best friends, they were hanging out all the time so even though for a while our paths never crossed, I eventually I met them mid-2013. I was kinda indifferent to them, I mean I didn’t really think good or bad about them, I was only seeing them when my ex and I were orbiting so I was more focused on my ex these times than on them.
But one evening mid-2014, my ex was being an asshole and I stormed out of the bar, I was fed up with him. One of his two best friends, who were both with us that evening, came after me to check up on me, sat with me for a bit. He had no reason to do this (aside from, well, human decency - which my ex definitely lacked in), no social obligation either (we were not friends, just acquaintances). I was not used to people being kind and caring back then, we were in our early 20s and all a bit stupid and selfish (me included). It was the first time someone was kind to me without expecting something from me in return or getting a reward out of it, so it was… foreign, I guess. Which is why it stuck with me ever since.
I didn’t develop the crush that night though, or at least not consciously. I became aware of it a few months later, after another night I bumped into the guys and spent the rest of my evening with them (early 2015). Nothing specific happened with the best friend that time, he was just there with his usual calm and quiet (but friendly) personality, which was so different from the vibe of the group btw. So yeah, I remember a few days later realising I had a crush on him and thinking "oh, fuck".
I did nothing about it back then, it was too messy. Would have been a disaster with my ex around, whether it was mutual or not. So I kept quiet, and eventually, after a few months or maybe a year of frustrated longing, I naturally moved on.
This was over 10 years ago. I spent 10 whole years without thinking about him, or maybe just a couple times over that whole period if I suddenly remembered that act of kindness from back then, but it was more fond than anything else, it never revived the crush. Until… a few months ago. I started thinking about him a lot, wondering how he was doing, etc. So the crush is back, which feels insane since I haven’t talked to him or seen him in over a decade, I have no idea who he is now especially as the man is chronically private online (but I hope that life treated him well enough that he stayed kind), so it does feel like having a crush on a ghost at the moment. I might reach out eventually, especially knowing my ex and him haven’t been friends for many years now. We’ll see.
But yeah I wanted to get this off my chest because I can’t count the times I have wanted to tell my self-absorbed ex to stop giving himself more importance than he actually had when I was no longer in love with him and tell him that I had a huge crush on his best friend 😂 It feels so ironic to me that while he was mocking me behind my back for being into him (or so he thought), I was actually pining after one of his best friends, the very person he was talking crap about me to. The petty side of me wishes they all knew, ha! But it wouldn’t achieve much, especially after all these years, and most importantly, in my life I always try to aim for kindness, not pettiness, so to me it’s not worth it. And also I’d much rather protect my peace than seek drama. 😌
But damn it feels good to let it all out!