What do I do
I’m a white guy who basically called my long term friend who is black by another persons name who is also black. They are different genders ages and don’t know each other but she knows the persons name I called her is black. Basically it was an in the moment muscle reflex that showed implicit bias. It is kind of absurd that I did it because they are such unique and different people and I was instantly mortified and frankly I still am hence why I’m writing this. We moved on but it was very clear to both of us and embarrassing.
We hung out again a few days later and we were on a walk and ran into someone she knew who is black. We got to talking and we all learned he got a job instead of me a few years ago when we both applied. I had never known he was the other applicant.
We moved along with our day and I told my same friend I was on a walk with something like wow I can’t believe we met him. And I said something competitive and shady in jest like ooh I wish it was me who got it. She said oh you think you should have gotten the job. I said no I’m sure if he worked with the others who got the job he must have been good.
Later I teased her about a running joke we had about cancel culture.
Later again I said the guy we met that day (talking about some other random guy we saw that day, not the guy who got the job instead of me) was really cute. She said which person. I said the cute one and then specified the Asian guy we ran into earlier and that some people think I have a type but I just think attractive is attractive. It implied the black guy we ran into earlier wasn’t cute to me.
I think all of this is basically cascading and compounding and I’m worried she’s pissed off. She didn’t invite me to brunch the next day as planned and our mutual friends aren’t responding to my texts to hang out like we usually do.
In my heart I know I do not harbor express racism but I think I need to do some work maybe in implicit bias. At the end of the day I am human and have an instinctual desire to be forgiven and to protect my reputation with my friends. But I am also sorry for being ignorant and maybe hurting my friend. I don’t know if it is best to just let it lie or call her and just be like I’m sorry idk what’s going on but I’m working on it. I don’t want to make it weird(er) for her but the air feels like it needs to be cleared and I just want to be mindful of not acting on selfish motive in seeking clarity and closure.