I feel like I’m losing my mind a little and just need outside perspective because I can’t tell anymore what’s panic and what’s reality.
I moved from Miami to Montreal last year with my 6 year old daughter. Honestly there are a lot of things I love here. Life feels calmer, safer, less chaotic, less car dependent. My daughter has her school, is learning French, has friends, routines, people who know her. I’ve built friendships too and for the first time in a long time I felt like maybe I was building a more peaceful life for us.
Earlier this year I married one of my long-time friends. Before marriage things felt easy and warm between us. We were always together or on the phone and I felt cared for. My daughter absolutely adores him too which makes this so much harder because he really became a father figure to her.
But after marriage everything suddenly started feeling so heavy. Money, sponsorship, responsibility, future stuff. It feels like once things became “real,” he got scared and started looking at everything through risk and self-protection instead of us being a team.
I’m currently on a study permit that expires in August and we haven’t submitted sponsorship yet, but we were planning to do inland sponsorship. Which basically means that by summer I probably either move in with him or move back to Miami because realistically I can’t just independently stay here long term right now without work authorization.
Part of what’s making me spiral is that there have now been multiple moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe around money and commitment. A week before the wedding he brought up wanting a prenup. Then the day my cousin died he brought up a postnup conversation. I eventually said okay, but that if we were going to do one, it also needed to include protections for me because of how financially vulnerable I am compared to him and because my daughter and I are building our lives around this marriage too. After that, suddenly he didn’t want to do the postnup anymore.
We also recently had a huge conflict over a car/lien situation. From my perspective the choices basically became either drain most of my savings or lose the car. To me the car represents safety and not feeling trapped, especially with my daughter involved. To him, he says he needs to protect himself financially, which logically I understand, but emotionally it made me feel really alone and unsafe.
The financial imbalance between us is huge too. He has a lot saved and I have very little compared to him. So when he talks about needing to protect himself, part of me understands, but another part of me feels like I’m the one actually exposed if things go wrong here. I keep trying to explain that I’m not asking for access to his money, I’m trying not to end up in a situation where my daughter and I have no real safety net while building our lives around this marriage.
At the same time, going back to Miami scares me too. My mom is there and recently started living alone after my grandmother passed away. She’s also having surgery soon. So if I went back, my daughter and I would have a permanent place to stay with family. But Miami also feels unstable to me in so many ways. Hurricanes, insane costs, stress, complicated family dynamics, the general environment in the US lately. I also sold my Miami house before moving to Canada and lately I’ve been grieving that so much because now I feel like I gave up my safety net.
My husband did schedule marriage counseling for next week, so it’s not like we’ve completely given up. But I genuinely can’t tell if I’m trying to save this marriage because I love him and want this life, because my daughter loves him and I want stability for her, or because I’m terrified of losing Canada and having to start over again.
I feel trapped between two imperfect choices and I honestly don’t know how people know when it’s time to keep trying versus when it’s time to go home. What would you do or consider in my situation?