Thank you all for the advice. I'm sorry I didn't think it through too well when I posted it.
But I guess a part of me still loves him and hates to see this. To answer some questions. He makes a lot, but his arrogant, confident, and cheap. He'd rather pull out a .a ual or a YouTube video possibly makes it worse before getting professional help.
He's not in our kid's lives. He has court mandated visits, not overnight, because he constantly works overseas, so he used that as an excuse. I dont even know how mu he has overseas work he actually does, because apparently he's been with his girlfriend while doing his "work." I just dont know.
So my kid usually does lunch with him in the park or arcade and a few quick phone calls. He hasn't been very involved since he was a baby. I honestly dont even think he's changed a diaper before. Now that I im thinking about it. That's probably when it happened. Right after we had my son. He was happy for a bit, then he was always distant, kinda tired, and stuff, but so was i.
This is forcing me to confront some things, and it hurts. I hate that I still care about him. I really do. I feel pathetic, especially after what I did.
EDIT: Someone in my DMs, after a few questions, thinks I was groomed. I sont think I was. I was 21, and he was 32 when we met. He told me he was 29 at first, but it was because he thought I wouldn't be interested in a guy that much older than me.
Never mind. I see it now.
Im fucking stupid. How come I didnt see any of this.