It looks like there are a few of us who have received confirmation today that our records have been removed. I got that email this morning as well.
Leaving has been a lot of mixed emotions for me. It’s been painful and I’ve been angry and hurt and relieved and grateful. I submitted my notarized request to quitmormon on Feb 14 as a Valentine’s gift to myself. It went to Kirton McConkie on April 6, an important date in the eyes of the church. It’s all felt a bit anti-climactic. I needed something to set it apart. So here is what I did…
I went on my first solo hike on Sunday to have a moment to mark removing my records. I hiked to Ghost Falls, enjoying every flower and plant and creature I saw, because that is the kind of hiker I am. On the way up, I found a little painted rock that said “one day at a time.” I picked it up and put it in my pocket. About halfway up, I had a thought about the name of the falls. Ghost Falls. When a person is baptized into the church, the church teaches they are given the gift of the Holy Ghost. Other people can feel the spirit at times, but it is only members who have the spirit with them as their constant companion. 🤪 What an appropriate place for me to be trekking to, since I no longer have that privilege. At one point on the trail, you can see an overlook of Draper and there stands the Draper temple. I made sure I flipped it off before continuing up the trail. 🤣 At the falls, at first I tried to enumerate all the things the church taught me that I felt were wrong and harmful, but that was just too much. Instead, I looked around, watched some butterflies, listened to the water, and thought about it in very simple terms.
I had brought with me a small painted rock that I found on a previous hike that said “let it go.” I believe it was even painted by the same person who painted the “one day at a time” rock. I left the “let it go” rock at the falls. I touched the water. I splashed it on myself…it was a hot hike. And then I found a rock to sit. I thought about how fitting it was that I found a companion rock. Let it go, one day at a time. I brought a slice of tiramisu…a dessert I have come to enjoy that I never had as a member because it has espresso in it. A dessert that prompted my son to tell me I was going to hell. And I enjoyed that tiramisu while listening to The Beatles song “Hello, Goodbye.” And then I continued the hike. After the falls was the prettiest part of the hike. Before the falls is nice, but a multi-use trail where you have to watch out for bicyclists. After, there was a long section that was a footpath only and had the nicest flowers and smells and scenery. I enjoyed my time. I felt happy.
I know this was not a conclusion. It is not closure. It did not resolve the pain. I will still have hard moments regarding the church and my relationship to it. But this was nice. It was needed.