u/David1612_

I’m a male, 22 living with parents still. I have a good blue collar job but everyday that passes I just keep feeling more and more hopeless. In the last year my mental health has gotten very bad I have suicidal thoughts sporadically throughout the week regardless of how my actual day is going and think of different intricate plans in my head ranging from slowly strangling myself on the back of my door to buying a gun and shooting myself as soon as I walk out. It just keeps getting worse to the point I have isolated myself and started gaining a lot of weight I am 5’8” I was 155 at my lowest and my peak a few months back was 220. I believe I had developed some type of eating disorder driven by dopamine hits linked to foods I ate I have since been able to overcome that and am slowly losing weight. I think this was a large contributor to my depression worsening I have been on Wellbutrin for over 5 years now to help combat these type of feelings but now I don’t think it does anything to help me. Every time I get close to actually going through with it I think of my family and the extreme pain this action would cause them. I truly have no one to express my feelings to as I have zero friends or acquaintances. It has gotten so bad I feel no satisfaction in my work or have any drive to improve my quality of work which I used to love. By noon I feel so tired and worn out even if I just sat around all day and didn’t really exert myself that I become physically unable to keep attention to the task at hand and do my job I work alone so this is easier to hide essentially a zombie. I have intense fear of social interaction outside of work because I feel my physical appearance is very ugly because of my weight and feel actual embarrassment being in public so every time I try to get counseling to talk about stuff like this I always cancel or choose not to show up out of pure fear of the social interaction and how it might go. I’m not sure what to do and where to go from here.