My (35 M) life feels like TV show from the infidelity I was unknowingly brought into for nearly a year.
TL; DR I'm a 35 M physician and I recently had my world crash down on me in a way I never thought I would as I found out the woman I was dating was not simply divorced, but actually divorced, remarried to another man, and living with her husband all while dating me and never telling me and building two parallel lives with two different, unknowing men (lots of details below).
My now ex-girlfriend (we'll call her "A") and I have known each other for nearly 10 years through the hospital as she is a nurse. I do not directly give her orders or supervise her. Trust was built in my time as a resident physician working together and "sharing the trenches."
"A" has been a friend for a long time since residency, with loose social media connection and occasional conversations in the hospital. "A" (30 F) was divorced about 4 years ago citing sexual abuse. Her mom is dying of terminal cancer which is a true fact I can confirm.
We dated starting last Summer with direct questions from me saying "are you dating anyone?" with direct answer of "no". We were very compatible given our careers, seeming attraction and interests and we hit it off quickly. We both follow a Christian worldview and are active in church communities.
At about the 5 month mark I felt it was appropriate to ask to meet her family (hers is local and mine out of state). She never said no, but cited her family being a safe space for her in the setting of previous abuse, over protectiveness from her parents and brothers in that wake, and difficulties in the family with her mom actively dying from cancer which would make that complicated. She would regularly say "You need to meet them soon" and would often "take" flowers from me, give gifts to their parents from me, and would speak questions from the parents to me. I wrote cards to her parents sent in the mail. I was let in to every element of her life, and knew intimate details of all her siblings, what family events were happening during the week, and when her mom was visiting the hospital. I met her mom once and was introduced by first name but not directly as boyfriend, muddying the water further. I was shown many family photos and videos regularly and thought I was being eased in.
I went to health appointments with "A" and took care of her dog, having several toys, food, a dog bed at my place, along with many clothes for "A." She would clean my house, cook for me, fix my clothes, and many relationship things, all joyfully. She was never protective of her phone.
We went to my church groups together mid week, and she even came to a church work day with me and even a wedding. We would spend 2-3 days a week together which were mostly full (I later learned these were the long days of her husband). She was always reliable, never got anxious or nervous with me, and never disappeared unexpectedly and only cancelled on me two times during the entire relationship. There were visits throughout the week, some longer and some shorter. These things disarmed me as I felt that surely someone with an abuse history and with a parent dying of cancer had good reason to have the reservations she had, and I thought we were making slow but reasonable progress.
She and I went on a few trips together, several days long, which I later learned were shared as "girl trips" with her family. I was at her marital home frequently, which was completely scrubbed of any evidence of male presence (no male shoes, jackets, clothes anywhere to be found, only one towel in the bathroom, etc, though I did not snoop as to respect boundaries). I later learned when I was present, photos that I gave her were on display (as I would see them up on the walls), which I have no doubt were taken down when I was gone. We did chores at her house, went on long walks around her neighborhood, and did many activities close to home and she never seemed on edge.
Her closest friends were a family that she has been friends with for nearly her whole life. From day 1 of us dating, she spoke of this family very highly and showed me pictures of EVERYONE in the family. They spend all holidays together and most weekends and are considering living near each other to raise all their children/grand kids together.
Part of this family is "H", who I actually later found out was her second and current husband. To make it worse, from the very beginning I asked if he was dating anyone and she described his whole dating history (as I know some of the people he dated) and was told he was not currently dating anyone. "H" was married once before and in his first marriage his wife was cheating on him the entire time (as "A" told me, which was later confirmed by the person who revealed this whole fiasco). "A" spoke of "H" as a great family friend and protector who understood her given they both had bad first marriages. I saw pictures of them as kids together and more recently as adults, standing closely and affectionately, though in a group setting (meaning alongside the rest of this family) which also disarmed me once explained to me, though now with hindsight, the hesitation to have me meet his family also makes complete sense.
Her brother in law discovered she and I were dating as she was seen at church with me through some distant friends who contacted him, which set off many alarm bells, naturally. He contacted my pastor, who told me, then I met with the BIL (solid guy who "A" spoke highly of regularly). We were appalled and stunned that this woman was so expert in hiding two lives so ruthlessly, calmly, and well and with boldness to enter real parts of my life without hiding.
Our relationship was not a sexual one, though we spoke excitedly about that future in marriage but did have a very affectionate approach with each other. She spent ample time with me and my friends, further disarming me.
The last week of our relationship, she was on a trip with her "brother" which of course was her husband, and she would even call me for 20 minute intervals while on the trip. She sent me her location the whole trip. She sent me pictures wearing clothes I bought her, and I later saw photos of her in these clothes posed with her husband as her BIL showed me that were sent to his family but not me. Absolutely messed up. I have more, but this is getting long.
I feel like a fool, like I missed signs, and was too trusting. I know these are all common reactions but this situation feels so unprecedented (everyone says my life is like a TV show) and I wanted to see if anyone had support for me or has been through anything like this. I have cut off contact, and feel completely upside down and am having a hard time thinking I will be able to trust or love again the way I want to be able to (as I thought we had built good trust over time and I am not the dude who dates all the time). I would have never been involved with her had I known she was married. I feel even worse for her husband and the family through marriage who will have to work through this, though am focusing on myself. I am shocked and angered that she used her dying mother and reported history of abuse (which BIL states she also had told them, though now all of her integrity is clearly questioned) as means to facilitate a façade.
Perhaps this speaks to my blessed life, but this is by far and away the worse thing that has ever happened to me.
Thanks in advance for kind words and support as I hope "verbalization" helps me. I have shared with myriads of friends. FWIW, I have documented, recorded, and protected myself appropriately in the work place should any accusations arise. I have counseling arranged and taking the space for myself to start this long journey of recovery off in the heathiest way I can.