I'm torn on how to handle custody
My kids live in southern California with their mother while I'm staying with family in Delaware getting back on my feet. We agreed since she had secured housing first (her boyfriend's house) she should take the bulk of our possessions and the kids.
My oldest is 18 and I encourage her to make her own choices rather than try and argue where she should live.
Her brothers are minors and have severe mental disabilities that demand monitoring at all times. I knew that the town the kids were moving to had resources for their disabilities, but only up to age 21. After that, they're out of the system and the full responsibility of the parents/guardians. I managed to spend a few months in the town but had to leave since there were no jobs to be had. Everything appears fine and the boys are making progress in their goals.
My greatest concern is what happens when they turn 21, and that's less than ten years away. They need constant supervision and have the best outcomes when they have outlets like school. They get stir-crazy easily, making school breaks very difficult. It's entirely possible new resources will be available for them by the time they're adults, but there's no promise of that.
While their mother is a SAHM, she's heavily reliant on her boyfriend (a SpecEd teacher) providing free shelter. She claims that they've already agreed that even if they break up, she and the kids can stay in the house as long as they need to find a place and he'd move into a trailer on his property. I don't want the safety of my children dependent on generosity of non-family, because generosity can always be rescinded.
I'm about to start training for a new career (HVAC), and I don't have housing of my own yet, so I'm in no position to challenge my ex for custody. Southern Delaware (where I'm staying currently) has strong support structures for disabled children & adults. Depending on their capabilities, my boys would qualify for continued education and support throughout adulthood, regardless of my income. This would be in the form of job training or continued schooling. I had and continue to have co-workers that benefitted from these programs. The school they'd attend would be with them for the remainder of their school years and beyond. I don't have to guess if these resources will be there; they already are. They'd also be close to family; grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. I've brought all this information to their mother, and she waves it all off based on crime rates in areas we don't live in. So any attempt to bring the boys here would require a court ruling.
If I challenge her, any semblance of civility we've built in the last year disappears. I also don't like the idea of removing them from their mother: I've felt that same way and wouldn't wish that on anyone. My oldest is already not talking to me because I had to move back east, and if I provoke her mother I'll likely lose her forever. Trying California (or Arizona because their town is right on the line with Mexico/Arizona) again is possible, but I'd never get custody. I might get weekends if I'm lucky, but I wouldn't be a big part of their lives ever again. And there's no guarentee of any resources being there for them when they're adults, but they'd have mom and dad immediately available at all times.
Every option seems terrible in its own way, and I'm just going in circles trying to figure out what's best for my kids. I'd love to have a professional opinion on this, but I don't think such a service exists, so I come to you. Is it possible I've overlooked something that would make this easier? Has anyone else dealt with something like this?