u/Dachigenius

Hi, I'm 27 year old M. This post is going to be somewhat long, but bear with me, since I'm going to pour my entire heart out.

We've been together for almost 3 years. She broke up with me a month ago, 2 weeks after requesting a pause in the relationship. It's been 45 days since I've been suffering.

I've always been a genuinely joyful and positive person through my entire life, people have always known me as the type who gets fun going, until some shit happened in my early 20s and depression hit hard. My bestie ( he'll be relevant later on ) has also moved out abroad, which added to it. I turned very timid, fearful, and kind of hopeless. Since then I've tried distracting myself with all kinds of new hobbies, people I've met through them, etc. Not all of it was healthy, I'll admit. The thing is, I knew it, but when you're comfortable with your depression, you can't really do much.

That's when I met her at one of these gatherings. a girl 6 years younger then me. Both of us knew immediately, that this was it, that very day, but I was too shy to make the first move. Long story short, our friends helped and we came together. Our love was the most passionate one. We would literally embrace each other for hours on end. We even got intimate just 2 weeks in, which she said was shocking, because last relationship she wouldn't let her ex do that, which led to their breakup.
It was the kind of love where you literally feel butterflies in you, and can't even eat or sleep properly because of the overwhelming joy.

Our backgrounds are very different. My family has very high standards, they literally wouldn't accept "commoners" ( it's very sad in this day and age, I know ) the kind you would see in a movie. I'm not emotionally close to them whatsoever, since my mindset somehow turned different, even though I grew up in this family.
Her family on the other hand is of lower stature, but very caring, very genuine. They accepted me entirely and thought of me as their son.

4 months in, I tried introducing her to my family, but that's when everything started going downhill. My folks decided to quite literally boot me from home, they told me to wake up and that they'd never accept a girl from such a family. I was devastated. That day I cried the most in my life. She was there, she comforted me. She has this amazing tinkering talent and would make me DIY gifts. I kept crashing at my friends and relatives for a year. but since I wasn't financially independent at the time, my family still kept in touch and didn't let me starve, basically. However, I had to keep this relationship under wraps and genuinely lie to them every time. I think this was quite literally, abuse. My depression relapsed slowly and it kept getting worse tiny bit everyday till last month.

Remainder of the relationship went well, minus my mental health part. She was very sad due to my family stance. We argued and fought, but every single time, we would reconcile, and she would swear that since our love was genuine and the one that you only find once in your lifetime, she would go to hell and back for me, and I for her. We'd figure this out together.
My family took me back in a year later, even though they vaguely knew we were together still.

Her love was overwhelming sometimes, I felt like I couldn't reciprocate enough, even though I wanted to. I took it for granted, that was my first mistake. Slowly, I started making some changes for her. Found a job, powered though some exams to build a career abroad and take her with me. Decided to cut ties to my family entirely if they wouldn't accept her when I'd propose eventually. I cared for her health, because she hates going to doctors. My love was very caring in nature, like a parent perhaps. That's how I am.

She told me many, many times how I was the best person for her, that she would literally kill herself without me, that I was the future father of her children and she saw and appreciated every single thing I did for her. She'd even tell me about her nightmares where we were separated. Asked me to never let her go and be someone else's. She is a very romantic person. Something I sucked at. She wants to see sunrises together, lay on the road and watch stars at night, write poems for each other. Go on frequent dates, run in the rain, etc. I've done these with her multiple times.
She'd always tell me not to extinguish this romantic spark, but I didn't realize the gravity of these words until later.

Come last october, shit hit the fan. I was totally overwhelmed by a stressful job, family issues, health issues ( turned overweight due to stress eating ), one of my closest childhood friends passed away from cancer. I didn't have enough human resource to care for her enough. Forgot our 3 year anniversary. Couldn't bring her favourite flowers to her birthday. When her pet rabbit died, I didn't go to comfort her for 2 days, thinking to myself that her family got me covered and I'd visit her later. Wild things, I know. I regret all of them. She wasn't doing great either. The rabbit event devastated her to the extent she told me she was thinking of suicide. We had a massive fight. Days later she presented an ultimatum that I had to change back to who I was. I tried my best. Made Christmas memorable for her and her entire family. Took her on a couple trip to Belgium and even introduced my father to her ( finally, some family exposure! ). Showered her with love on valentines. I still had difficulties doing these, because I forgot some details, like her favorite holiday in march. God knows it was not intentional.

She was visibly happy and excited, and even told her friends and my bestie who returned from abroad, 1-2 weeks prior the breakup how good the Belgium trip was and how we were planning to get engaged and move abroad. I had a very busy work schedule the following days and couldn't see or spend quality time with her. That's when things turned weird. She started replying with 1-2 words, went cold, started saying things like " I need something new in my life ". I kept asking her what was wrong, but she wouldn't delve.

At the end of march I got a message from her, we need to talk. I got nervous and kept asking her what happened, she wouldn't tell. I grew quite worried and decided to visit her directly in her home. I found her crying there. She told me she wanted a break, She didn't feel like a woman anymore, how I didn't care enough and telling me things I never even thought of. I too cried right then and there, but decided to leave her alone.

2 days later she called back, asked to meet again. Told me how empty she was, couldn't feel anything anymore, not just my love. She was still depressed about the rabbit, persistent grief. Even got a tattoo of it. She told me How she flirted with different men to feel the things she lacked from me. But she decided it was wrong and stopped to give me a chance, see if it would work out. I could see that she was NOT doing well.

I immediately started to get better. Hit the gym, dropped all bad habits. Lost significant weight.

We tried going out several times, she wouldn't tell me " Love you " once. It was tense.
A week later I got a final message, saying she is done and I should move on. Come and get your things she said. I started unloading my true feelings. " wish you told me all this a month ago ". Cleared me from socials.

I almost died that day. Good thing my bestie was there. Her close friend also got in touch and promised to help in whatever way she could, saying they were texting each other regarding me that month and that she mentioned something like " I'm afraid he'll never forgive me if I break up with him and I'll never find a person who loves me like he does "

Several days later I give her a desperate call, asking to meet. She says we should never meet again. I insist, but she said I can't do it right now, maybe tommorow.

I've reevaluated so many things and saw what was my fault, quite clearly. Underwent rapid change for the good. Literally WOKE UP from depression.

Her friend told me she immediately messaged some other manipulative man who she rejected before me. They spent a night together flirting, the very same night I called her.

Tl;dr, we met. I told her my full resolve. How I talked with my family and got them to agree to our relationship. How her love gave me strength, even though I was suffering. Told her I knew she was going through the same as I was when depressed. Told her I'd understand her even if she wanted to hook up with someone else. Told her I'd give her time to settle.
The response was: I don't feel anything anymore. farewell. Cleared our chat and unfriended me from socials after texting me she likes someone else. 3 days before my birthday. I was the worst birthday of my life. Everyone urged me not to contact her, but I sent her an extremely emotional text that even made other people cry when they've read it. She replied with very hurtful words.

Following 2 weeks were AGONIZING. Her friend kept me updated on how she was obsessed with this guy who cheated on multiple gfs in the past and kept saying creepy stuff: " Why did I reject him back then ". " I'd tear my skin off to become the version of me he liked before ". When asked about me, she'd brush it off. She even sent a letter to the guy, explaining some kind of an unformed love. Kept making weird drawings and kept posting stories on how happy she was, how free she was now, romantic stuff like books and poetry that she loved. It felt very forced and everyone commented on that.

Funny thing is, we were planning to go to a trip in germany with her brother and uncle, it was his birthday. everything was planned before and I busted my ass at work for 2 months to cover her finances.
I talked to her brother, and he said we still needed to go together, because some contact would be better than none. But I had to be completely neutral and indifferent. He also commented on how strong I was for keeping up with all this. I reluctantly agreed.

Her friend tells me that the guy she was seeing, kindly fucked off and that she realized how bad he was. Friend presses her about me, tells her how I changed in such short time, and how devastated I am. She expressed some regret, but kept insisting how she was unsure of her feelings and would decide in germany. Forced stories stopped. I felt some hope

We meet at the airport. Me being 12 Kgs down, obviously looking anemic, met her parents there as well. She just gave me a shake and we departed.

I said that I'd be neutral and indifferent but first 2 days were wild. She kept sending signals and flirted. Asked me to sleep in the same room. Didn't treat me cold. I was baffled, happy. Saw that she didn't delete our album on her phone. Started eating again. I woke up every day at 5am on that trip and kept bringing her fresh flowers, leaving them on her desk.

2 days later, after doing lots of weed she suddenly did a 180 and reverted back. Texted her friend she couldn't feel anything again. She kept eating mass amounts of sugar every day. It was grim to watch. I was really worried about her. That night when we were inebriated, she just lay bare in the bed. I went for it and we had sex, but she stopped me midway and pushed me off, saying it was wrong. Felt humiliated.... She just turned over, started scrolling socials, giggling at reels and changed her profile picture to one of those depressing story ones I talked about earlier

day 4, drowning in weed and snacks. again. Same thing at night. kept teasing me, had sex, stopped me midway and told me she'd talk to me the next day.

Day 5, kept ignoring me. was in her phone 24/7, flirting with random boys on socials in front of a rose I picked for her that morning. while I lay next to her in bed. Didn't acknowledge me at all. Didn't even talk to me as she promised. I kinda snapped, woke her up at midnight and asked her to go out for a walk. That same night I got the news that my mother has terminal cancer. Imagine how I was......I sounded angry and cold. She got a little bit scared and annoyed. Texted her friend how I acted out and that she lost trust in me.

Day 6, I was super down and it showed. She saw me cry when I put fresh flowers on the desk. Approached and offered to talk, but I wanted to talk at night with nobody else around. We all went on some fun activities not involving substances and it helped me unwind. That's when I realized.... I can't get angry or hate this woman in any shape or for, because I truly love her. Seeing her being happy, brings me immense joy and overshadows my own suffering.

That night we talked, I apologized, explained my mom's situation and how I kinda crashed out. she was very cold and rough. asked me to let her go and how I was getting annoying. She wouldn't add me back on socials, because I could never be her friend. and that it was for my own good, not hers. That she wasn't happy a 3 year old relationship ended with a man she called a father of her future children. She also snapped when I told her that we were both at fault. It was quite futile. I just told her that I knew that some people choose to sacrifice love in order not to feel pain anymore. But I kept hoping that she wouldn't make that choice.

......and I let her go. told her I'd still love her a thousand years, wherever she'd be. asked her to take care of herself, because I saw she was in distress. She replied cynically. a very forced attempt to hurt me, but I don't care. I gave her an envelope with a bracelet she made for me earlier and a letter, saying she could contact me anytime if her feelings reignited in the future, but for now I'm letting her go. She didn't open it, but carefully stashed it in her bag the next morning.

Day 7, I put last batch of flowers on her desk, still. We were heading to a return flight. She was at least acting humane towards me. I saw her cry quietly twice. I saw her talking to chatGPT(!!) and some strangers on some completely random childish topics. How she kept checking her stories and posts like 20 times a hour to fish for reactions. She wouldn't message her close friend. It was a whole different person. That's when it hit me... should I blame myself this hard? is her condition because I did X and Y ? Probably not.
I talked to her brother on the plane, asking to take care of her.
We got back, her parents dropped me home, each of her family members bid me a warm goodbye, but she just threw a cold 'bye' at me. I left smiling. Texted her one final message, thanking her for the love and pain the made me, which she hasn't even seen.

Next day I woke up, cried a ton and realized, that even though I'll probably never fully recover from this, it has already shaped me into someone much better in these 45 days. it's like the chronic depression I had, is broken. There's just immense pain now. My bestie also commented on how mature and grown up I was compared to the time he left. and told me not to blame myself for all this, because every genuine love undergoes trial by fire, and I was the one that tried my best, not her. People who can love the hardest, also tend to hurt others the most. He took all her little gifts away and told me he'd return them to me only if she ever came back.

I'm not quite at the stage of being able to kill all my expectations. I still have a glimmer of hope that she'll contact me, months later when her depression clears. I just regret the fact that I cannot help, even if I wanted to. I never want to drown my pain with hating her or anger, because I'm a person who loves purely, and If I don't acknowledge that, I'll lose myself.

Hope this truckload of a post helps anyone out there. Sure helped me getting this off my chest!

Did I deserve to be dumped?

How I found myself again, but lost her [Long]