Back on the east coast visiting family and found my old collection of Joes. Gonna ship em back, get em cleaned up and some into surgery to get their legs back on. Pretty damn excited to find all these.
A week ago she moved out and went no contact. One week before we were supposed to fly across the country so she could finally meet my family. Two and a half years and that’s how it ended. Her mom texted me on Friday to make it official. She couldn’t even do it herself. She did the same thing years ago when I was in treatment trying to get better. Had my therapist deliver it that time.
I’m lying in a bed that’s too big and I can’t sleep. Maybe 2-3 hours a night. Not eating. Stopped working out. I keep cycling through rage and grief and then this heavy numbness that just swallows everything. And then my mind starts replaying all the good moments, all the happy stuff, and I can’t make it stop.
I’m almost 40. I keep thinking that’s it for me. That was my shot.
Our first real fight was about bills and money but once it started everything came out. How alone I felt even lying next to her. How she never really asked about me. She’d tried to start a family on her own before we ever met. I understood that. But somewhere along the way I started wondering if she wanted a family with me, or just wanted a family.
I never wanted kids before her. Lost relationships over that. With her I actually wanted it, a family, the whole thing. I let myself want it.
I told her everything I was afraid of. Every fear I had about us, about what could go wrong, about being left. And then every single one of those things happened.
I have painkillers for a legitimately bad back. Tonight I’ve been taking them just to get my chest to stop hurting. Not really caring if I take too many. I just want to stop feeling this for five minutes.
I don’t have a support system around me. I’m just alone with this.
Anyone been here? How did you get through, because I don’t know if I can keep going.