It has been really difficult.
When I was nineteen, my parents kicked me out of the house. I still talk to my dad but I've lost all contact with my mother. I work to support myself and my college education. Since I sometimes have classes in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon, I work the night shift to avoid conflicts with my college schedule. I only have 4 days off a month that I use to do my college work, I barely have enough time to sleep and manage work and college at the same time.
I'd like to go out and meet people, but I never have time for it. I have friends at college, but we only talk there because I never have time to go out with them, and I end up being a bit excluded by my group because of it. I never have time to meet anyone new, I'm always tired of the routine, and since I live alone and without anyone's support, I have to harden everything and I'm not even going to start talking about money. Buying nail polish or cigarettes is sometimes a luxury for me.
My only hope is that in a few years, when I graduate, I'll get a job and have more time for myself, but that seems so far away that I don't know if I'll be able to wait until then. I just work, study, work, and study; that's all I've had time for. I haven't received a hug in ages. I keep thinking that I'm wasting my twenties; when I'm older, I still won't have made a real connection with anyone because I will have spent the last 5 years working to get out of this hole.
I'm twenty, but I'm pretty sure I'll be twenty-five without ever having had anyone in my whole life, not even my parents love me, honestly I just wanted a boyfriend or a real friend, someone to give me a hug, sometimes I listen to ASMR videos of boyfriends on YouTube and I feel like the most pathetic girl ever. How do you deal with this? I don't go a day without thinking about giving up on everything. Is there a better way to deal with or view this situation?