I need help/perspective/reassurance please
FYI, I work nights so won't be responding right away (bout to hit the sack), but thanks ahead of time to anyone who reads thru this and says anything.
I was in a relationship with an expwBPD for about 4.5 years. I went thru the standard BPD chaos over that time. I wasn't perfect myself, but the love I felt for this person felt real, and I genuinely felt I was loved back (at times).
A little over a year ago, I went thru a breakup that was so bad, I could probably top a lot of peoples worst break up stories. Long story short, I caught her in a lie, our relationship was already rocky at best, and she had a split of all splits.
Over the course of a couple months, she killed my cat, which I FOOLISHLY believed her story of his back being broken by a larger cat playing with him. I couldn't bring myself to believe someone I loved and lived with was capable of that, even tho the vet heavily hinted at it when I brought him in to be put him down, my mind literally could not compute she was capable of that, despite my gut saying otherwise. His spine was severed and i only found him after whatever happened, happened. I loved this cat, so goddamn much. He was 14 and the coolest, chillest, nicest cat a guy could ask for. I was very lucky to have had him. My ex and i lived together for another month or so after this incident, and I caught her in this lie and she snapped. Trashed our house, screaming, yelling, etc. This had happened before as well, but not like this.
She later falsely accused me of doing things to her daughter that would get me stabbed in prison, harassed me and my family with "anonymous" threats of swatting and violence, and around this time I bailed to a hotel to figure out my next move. The threats continued, she made false allegations about me being racist and transphobic to my work, right after Trump was re-elected, so she perfectly manipulated the situation. I almost lost my job, and would have, if not for the texts she sent me saying she was going to make up all this bullshit and send it to my job. She also technically swatted me at my job saying I had brought a gun to work, on top of the other insane shit.
She lied to me, stole a lot from me, damaged thousands in property, manipulated her child against me, smeared me, played the victim, said I was abusive, and it was when she got a RO against me, purely to harass me, when the whole cat murder thing really sunk in, bc she said I FUCKING KILLED MY CAT in her RO. That still fucks with me. She was granted our other cats from the RO (apparently judges require ZERO fucking evidence when granting this shit), when i was in the process of moving out, i hadnt been there for 2 weeks, their litterbox was full, food and water empty, yet she was deemed the safe one to look after them. The RO also had a lot of other pure bullshit in it as well.
I had to get attorneys to fight the false allegations, dropped thousands, moved to a new place, left a lot of my property behind.....it was a lot. But, I was able to prove her bullshit claims false and I got a Stalking Protective Order against her. The court shit ended less than a year ago and I've been slowly trying to move on.
I lay all this out bc I saw her for the first time in the wild at a concert a couple days ago. I'm not gonna go into it, but she 100% knew I would be at this show, and brought her new energy slave with. I have the strong feeling she wanted me to see her. At first, I wanted to warn the guy. But I knew he'd probably been fed a whoooole load of horseshit about me. I just kept my distance and didnt say anything. For some reason, seeing her triggered.....a lot. I thought I had moved on....it's also really bugging me that while I'm struggling to ever trust another human being ever again, given the level of betrayal I endured, she's just out and about, playing a sweet little victim, living life, doing things with this new guy we used to do, while a whole load of people think im just this massive abusive piece of shit. I could never "prove" she killed my cat, and even when everything was going down court wise, I still didn't have it in me to hurt her more, so she basically got away with all of it. It's so fucked up, but even when I was facing jail, I held back bc I just saw her as not even being in control, if that makes sense? Idk how true that really is, but that's how I felt.
I guess I'm just reaching out. Am I insane for still feeling "feelings" for her, after all she did?? What can i do to move forward? To top it off, a couple months ago, just when I was really making gains in moving on, an "anonymous" number texted me asking if I "missed her." (I did report this to the police, they basically said there was nothing they could do bc it was "anonymous" and not detailed enough).
Obviously I would NEVER go back to her, but why the fuck do I feel like I'm simultaneously having a panic attack and experiencing a broken heart all over again? Can anyone relate and/or slap some goddamn sense into me please? I sobbed on my entire drive home from work this morning and can't fuckin take this feeling. There's a lot I'm leaving out, I could write a memoir on the experience in its entirety but that's the gist. Sorry for the long story. I'm mostly just venting. You guys are the only people who get it.
As an aside, does anyone have an RO or SPO against someone? If I see her again at a concert can I have security or someone make her leave?