Maybe only one way out of this...
Don't know whether should i post it in r/mentalhealth or r/therapy. Anyways...
I cant figure out where to start and what to include but here's what I tried drafting somehow-
I don't like whatever has become of me and this life. I am not interested in doing anything anymore, it all feels ... "empty"(?).
My first year of college is over and I have completely wasted it, and now second year will be starting within 2 months. After 2 years of high school I thought that finally I will go to college and pursue a good life. Due to preparations for college entrance exams my 2 years of high school went pretty much locked up in my room studying and I went out only to attend classes. I was struggling with meaninglessness and stuff during that time too but I had that one hope of going to a good college and then living a better life so I kept going, somehow.
But things didn't quite went well. I went to my college and I tried making basic conversations with whoever I met (since I am an introvert I made up my mind to do this before coming to college), but I dont know why but those convos felt pretty empty like I wasn't really talking with interest. And maybe this could be the reason I wasn't able to make friends. In fact it took me my whole autumn semester to be open with my roommates, because initially I didn't knew what should I even talk about, like I didn't had anything to ask or stuff. I tried making conversations with people but somehow I couldn't find "my type" of people, like someone with whom I would want to spent time with. I dont like to say this but, maybe some part of me "hated" the people around me. Now with time, I stopped trying to talk again and became closed up again.
I hated every day I woke up (I still do), it felt like the same bland life I was forcing myself to live. It was because of the same reasons of meaninglessness I faced during high school years. Nothing interests me anymore, I somehow try to keep up with academics because I have to get a job to survive, I mean that is why I had to enter a good college after all as I come from a middle class family. But yeah now I also find doing academics hard, and my grades are kind of average.
I also have this thing that I dont want to do things that I will enjoy (yeah it sounds weird), like a part of my brain tells me that no you should endure. I couldn't even play games due to these reasons (gaming was like my top priority before high school), but now I somehow have manage to play a bit. And i think another related thing is that I dont watch movies or web series, also I dont want to look at girls too (please dont interpret as being anti-feminist or anything like that), like a part of me says that dont crave things you'll never have.
I was also frustrated by how much sexualised the world has become, everywhere I look once or twice I will find something sexual. Until my first semester I used to masturbate and things but I hated it, I have stopped now as I kind of hate towards "Why do things have to be sexual ?", "do only love and sex have to be what gives life meaning?", "No, I want to go beyond that" (yeah it might sound nonsense at this point)
I also find it hard to maintain a smile and be happy, I feel like if I be happy I am being careless and something bad will happen. I remember when I used to kind of do toxic talk to myself (it has become a lot common so I dont even find it unusual) whenever I made myself too happy. I haven't done any self harm things, maybe because I am a coward who still is afraid of things as trivial as pain. Yeah maybe that is why I am still here and haven't ended it... because I am a coward, I've always been afraid of many things since childhood.
It all feels like a loop. Like I dont even want things to be better because I dont want to be happy. I haven't done therapy because I dont want to depend on anything to be able to live. I have partially stopped talking to my only 2 high school friends online becuase it made me feel like I just keep bothering them with saying all those serious and depressing stuff again and again which they dont like (ofc , who would like to always hear serious things?). I haven't even thought of having a gf, because I feel like it will also have its negatives, it too will end, or maybe I will lose interest in relationships and waste someone's life. I have been very open to my those 2 friends and I fear this thing that if I reveal everything about me then I wont have anything interesting remaining and whoever I am talking to will get bored of me. (it feels nonsense to me now too)
I dont even know why I am posting this thing,
there's more to it but it has already become too long to read so I'll stop
maybe some part of me told me to.
and I think its going to r/therapy, because somehow maybe some amount of optimism is left in me. Maybe ... one day...