hi! i dont really use reddit (my username was autogenerated i guess it is crazy) but ive really been struggling.
i met my ex bf when i was 13. we started dating when i was 14 and never took a break or broke up. we had both never been in a relationship before, and i never expected that we would click so well. we obviously had fights and i almost broke up with him once as a junior, but we were incredibly in love. i dont have a good home life, and he was my rock. in the summers i would spend all my time at his house and his family really cared for me.
hes a year older and last year when he went to college, distance didn't matter and everything was great. for all of this first semester, i was so so in love and felt like i wanted to marry him, even if i knew it wasnt confirmed (i dont want kids, he does).
during our college winter breaks, i started to feel different. i realized the last time i was only focusing on myself i was 14. i felt like there was so much new me i needed to learn. like i never had the same growing up and becoming better because sure i did both things, but because of my relationship. could i grow by myself? i broke up with him in late December, even though i still felt some love for him? it was like i no longer wanted to spend time with him but hes truly my best friend and i'll always appreciate him forever.
since then ive really been struggling with loneliness and just truly wanting so so bad to be in a relationship. i feel like because of my home life i have only felt loved when i was with him. i dont want to get back together with him, and we still keep in touch, but so often i just want to break down and i feel so sad. no one understands my sadness because after all, i broke up with him. i feel so lost and isolated. i have great friends but most people expect me to be fine, i mean i broke up with a man who was deeply and truly in love with me. i just feel like im spiraling tonight and i thought it would help to get it out.