Report from recent Mushroom/Mdma session
Last week I did my first Mushroom and MDMA combined session and first session with a friend as a sitter. I have done maybe 12 or 15 solo psylocybin sessions wither either mushrooms, 4ACO DMT or 4HO MET, with the intention of using them in a therapeutic way. Often the sessions are pretty scary, I feel a lot of fear over what might come up or happen to me, usually a lot of crying/ grieving / caring for my inner child. Lots of physically shaking, convulsing. Often feel like "why did I do this?!" at some point but usually feel pretty damn good afterwards, like I've purged something or gained insight. But there is always a fear of going deeper. So reading on here that MDMA can help reduce the fear, I thought I'd try that, with a friend as the sitter. I started with 85mg MDMA (I mentioned in and earlier post mdmda doesn't hit me like it used to as probably overused a bit in my 20s) but I felt it come on a bit after about 30 mins then took 3g McKennaiii in tea (just drank the water not the solids) I was a a bit scared this might be quite a high dose as often I do around 2-2.5g. But when it came on it wasn't as strong as I thought.
I lay down on bed, headphones and eye mask, listened to East forest- Music for Mushrooms. Started to feel a bit scared, but it passed. I saw some. Medical like humanoid beings that seemed to be operating on me somehow, putting tubes and things on my face, which then made me start to convulse. The convulsions moved around my body, often in my stomach where I believe my "core wound" is. What ensued was a pretty wild physical session, akin to previous ayahuasca ceremonies. At points I instinctively went on all fours and was breathing deep and retching as if I were going to either vomit up or give birth to the thing in my stomach which was convulsing, as points it really felt like it might come up. My intention was "show me what has caused me to have such abandonment issues/fear of being alone" which I kept coming back to but the CEVs didn't really show me anything that seemed relevant, just a lot of classic trippy geometrics, some snakes, no scenes from my life like I have experienced before. I realised I was trying to hard to control the experience by repeating my intention So after a while I relaxed it as showed kindness and compassion to the part of me that didn't want to show itself yet. I should add I instinctively starting making kind of shouting / roaring noises as I breathed out. It felt like something was being released. All the while there wasn't really that much emotion, I didn't really cry like I usually do, didn't feel angry but felt like the noises were perhaps suppressed anger being released?? The visuals died back a lot after about 2 hours, to the point they were barely visible. I initially felt a bit disappointed that I hadn't found out what had happened to me, but remembered I should not be trying to control to experience, gave compassion and clearly had a physical release. At one point it felt like my jaw was going to turn inside out, I usually suffer with jaw tension/teeth grinding at night so perhaps it helped. Afterwards I felt absolutely amazing and all my constant tight hips and back pain had completely gone. It did unfortunately creep back in over the next few days. But trying to remain positive and journal, meditate, move etc. Going through a bit of a stressful bit of life, moving out this weekend also..
Not sure why I'm writing this really, just wanted to get it down, if anyone has any insights, or integration tips for a trip that's mostly physical. Also whether the mdma may have blunted the effects of the mushrooms? Emotionally and visually? I was expecting 3g McKennaiii to be pretty strong. They were grown recently too. Thank you.