I don't know how to regain hope I can heal. I was making progress in therapy after going weekly for a long while.
For context I've been gangstalked, gaslit, and been psychologically abused for a while too. I see it as punishment, as I've done similar things in grooming and cyberstalking someone. We shared connections which are now involved in my punishment. Particularly a somewhat caretaker figure who was close to them was involved, who surveilled my browsing history, digital footprint, and bugged me somehow (I'm pretty sure by spyware on my phone)
I call them a somewhat caretaker figure because in the process of the abuse was a pseudo-therapy of placing healing resources where I'd see them. I get the feeling they were trying to take both an avenging/punitive role and a kind of parental/supervising role.
They are able to have such a massive level of control over me through social influence, having a large group around them with cult-like dynamics, and wherever I go in real life or online I feel like I'm being watched.
Everything is done in plausible deniability and vague psychological manipulation and intimidation, and for the longest while I thought I was delusional for thinkinv it was happening. I was fawning and saw only the side that was trying to help me, that was kind.
The crux of my current pain and hopelessness. Because of the way I was intimidated, I realized my therapy sessions were not private, a third party was listening in, and later used that as intimidation, ruined the only safe space I had left.
I can't even trust I'd be able to be confident in privacy if I left my phone at home because they might have hacked my therapist, and even if not I'm so paranoid I'd never be able to trust that I'm not being watched/listened to.
I feel so broken. I just took it for so long because I wanted to be punished for what I did, but I'm past that and I just want a sense of normalcy and safety. It feels inescapable. I have so much anger I don't know how to deal with. I just wanted this one place to be safe, that I could have one place where I could try to truly open up.